the following was written by guest blogger Beth–thanks beth!

When you dig deep enough you find all sorts of astrological correspondences associated with different mystic schools of thoughts. From the twelve paths in the Jewish Kabbalah to tarot cards associated with each of the signs, astrology is everywhere. Practicing my own form of mysticism I’d like to propose just one more, that of the mystic art of Jell-O Shots. Now before you laugh, this system is a very carefully thought out, taking all of ten minutes, like most good pop spiritualism. It is based on the Jell-O system of colors and flavors and the propensity of each astrological sign to enjoy them.

There is a wealth of information on the Internet on how to create Jell-o shots, from actual recipes to recommendations to containers, so I won’t bore you with the details here. Seeing that there is only one good way to down a Jell-O shot, straight up, with a sharp intake of breath, it is also appropriate to do so in a meditative state, full of the awareness of the stuff of life, while reciting your particular mantra for the experience. So mix up your iconic flavor and follow me to the path of true enlightenment, or at least a good time, now that you have the appropriate guide.

Aries–Full of fire and energy, your color is red, your flavor strawberry, reminding you of the innocence of your youth and that awful strawberry wine you used to down while trying to woo the women or when the men tried to woo you. Meditation: Slow down and pay attention and you may reduce the number of accidents you experience. You just may lower of your insurance bill as well.


Taurus-For sensual Taurus, there just isn’t the right Jell-O flavor as unfortunately there is no chocolate jell, only Jell-O pudding, which does poorly as a Jell-O shot. However, with a little extra patience, with which you abound, and creativity, you can mix up clear gelatin and amaretto for a perfectly delightful Jell-O shot experience. Meditation: Why do the best things in life come with such a high price tag and when is there a sale?


Gemini–For the twins there are two options, lemon or lime, these corresponding to the two most prolific colors in your personal color pallet. Yes, Gemini, your wardrobe is just as talkative as you are, to the everlasting amusement of the people you know. Case in point, Hillary Clinton has Uranus in Gemini sitting on her Ascendant. She has this absolutely hideous yellow suit she insists on wearing. Some people just shouldn’t dress themselves and this might include you. That hardly matters to you as you are just in it for the good time anyway, Gemini. Meditation: Why do people think I talk too much? And why won’t they tell me about it?


Cancer–No one deserves a delicious taste treat more, and just about no one enjoys it better than you, if you can calm that nervous stomach, that is. You take care of everyone and then wonder why no one takes care of you, leading you to speculate if anyone really loves you. Relax, Cancer. While it may not help you find true love, a Pina Colada Jell-O shot will lead you in the right direction. Meditation: Can I buy those antique lamps without my spouse finding out?


Leo-the color that represents you, your majesty, is the color of sun and the color of true money, gold. And since you are a friendly sort, welcoming all kinds of people into your sphere to serve you, pineapple is the Jell-O flavor that best represents your sun shiny personality. Meditation: What can I do to get more attention? I deserve it, don’t I?


Virgo–Classic astrologers associate the color white with Virgo, seeing you are so pure and all. (Yeah, right!). And believe it or not, Jell-O has accommodated you with a special flavor, Margarita, which contains all the sweet goodness of the original. In the true spirit of Virgo, the saltiness is concealed within a pleasing picture of refinement and good taste. Just make sure you don’t down too many of these or your stomach will scold you like you scold the kids. Meditation: Why does my spouse say that I’m too critical? I’ll give ‘em a piece of my mind for that one.


Libra–Reference works are just as indecisive as you are, dear Libra, when it comes to ascribing a color to you. One site said, “Any color that is pleasing to the eye.” This only reflects your propensity for taking everyone’s sides in arguments, since you seek harmony above all things. After much consideration and experimentation, this astrologer ascribes the Jell-O flavor “mixed fruit” to your sign, as it seeks, just as you do, to achieve harmonious blending of diverse flavors. Meditation: Why do people want me to make decisions?


Scorpio–Simmering with life’s forbidden passions, you are symbolized by both the color black and red. This is why the flavor black cherry is tailor made for you. No stranger to the world of alternate experiences, Scorpio, you find this flavor association perhaps reminiscent of childhood cold remedies, but hey, you enjoyed those too. Meditation: How can I convince the cutie in the corner to come home with me?


Sagittarius–Your traditional color is purple, leading us to the ubiquitous grape Jell-O shot. But you are fire sign as well, as if you are not so copasetic with imbibing things reminiscent of childhood cold remedies, like our Scorpio friends. Give perky peach a try. Meditation: What excuse can I give the boss today?


Capricorn–Taciturn Saturn ruled people are not left out in the cold by our friends at Jell-O. The flavor cranberry was created just for you, with that sharp sweet tartness we’ve come to know from you. Whether you are hobnobbing with the gentry or slumming with the Jones, this taste treat will make people think twice about you. Meditation: What dirt can I dig up on the boss so I can win that promotion?


Aquarius–I don’t know why people keep calling you quirky. After all, Aquarius, you are a true pioneer, marching to the beat of your own drummer, showing the rest of us where the fun is to be had. While the world catches up with you, catch a berry blue Jell-O shot that will help you resonate to the forces of the Universe. Meditation: Why do people call me weird and why don’t I care?


Pisces–Lovely, ephemeral Pisces deserves something as effervescent as you are. For you, dear Pisces, I recommend the flavor apricot, which is just as unusual, just as refined and just a difficult to find as you are. Meditation: Why is the boss looking for me?


Beth is a professional astrologer with over twenty years experience counseling clients in career and relationship issues. Following in the footsteps of mediocre writers who start their own religions, Beth has decided to promote spiritual enlightenment through jell shots tied to astrological associations. She promises though that there is no need to find “clear” or that mysterious forces other than natural spirits will not take over your body. However, since Beth also promotes moderation in all things, to the vexation of her family, the use of Jell-O shots for enlightenment does not give her followers carte blanche to get blotto in the name of spiritual attainment. You can reach her at starrynightastro@aol.com for further guidance. Beth can be found at astrologymediapress.com/astrologyexplored.

last year i blogged martha stewart’s halloween bottle labels. they were such a popular search item, that i’ve created some of my own this year. a big halloween treat from me to you!

see last year’s labels here.

THE PENIS IS RULED BY SCORPIO, MASTER OF ALL THINGS SEX. hold an intoxicated zodiac bachelorette party and have a fun, sexy, creative, naughty and memorable night!

to get the party started everyone gets a gift bag containing coasters, a shot glass in their zodiac sign (for tasting gwen’s cocktails), and an infusion jar to create their own love potion that night. check out the cute tag on the jar below:

the theme of the party was scorpio’s penis pepper. long and hard, bloody shade of red, spicy yet salty, J/K, just spicy ; )

any way you slice it (ouch, sorry boys) the chili pepper is ruled by mars, scorpio’s ancient ruler now considered co-ruled by pluto.

i demonstrate how to make culinary cocktails, based on the premise of medieval astrology where plants have signs like people. we use flower waters, jam, infused liquor, oil, and all sorts of unusual ingredients for each creation.

everyone gets a baroscope shot glass in their own zodiac sign to taste the cocktails. it’s a pretty intense hour and a half mixing pisco, cacacha, vodka, gin, tequila, rum… best done on a full stomach-eat before you come.

here i am… kvetching on cocktails.

i was watching the nature channel the other day and two scorpions were getting it on. those sick bugs stung each other. with real venom. a sting too much could have killed the other one, but that’s their idea of foreplay. just a side note here that scorpios can tend towards zodiacal sadism.

this is one proud mother. just look at that infusion… i believe it contained dried hibiscus petals, fresh ginger, mexican chocolate and fresh picked nasturtium flowers. funnily, joyce is a cancer, the mothering sign. what a mix, i’d love to taste that.

how 50′s pin up this? the bride, sarah, a scorpio herself! can you tell?

what bachelorette party is complete without the official penis martini glass? good to the last drop… mmnnn….

thanks to my friend and palmreader, miss. joyce another scorpio, for helping out.

say dicktini for the camera!

thanks to amanda aries, sarah scorpio, colleen scorpio, courtney cancer, joyce cancer for being such fun students. cheers to the groom bradley (capricorn), who found his match made in heaven. cappie and scorpio are two sexual powerhouses with stamina galore. their sex will indeed be hot until death do them part.

hold an intoxicated zodiac bachelorette party!

mata hari was a cool chick, totally faboo. the type of woman we should all aspire to be… bohemian, dramatic, influential, intelligent, exiting, creative, sensual, strong… and now we can add “tasty” to that list. this infamous woman can also place absinthe on her resume. she has been a mother, a divorcee, a concubine, an exotic dancer, and lastly a spy. let it be said that i do not believe a woman of her substance would stoop to such a traitorous level, and am 1000% positive she was framed. she died at the hands of a french firing squad; an unlucky scapegoat of WW1. but truth be told, such a theatrical and climactic ending fit neatly into the general theme of her action-packed life, which was filled with tempestuous passion, stoic inner strength and defiant intelligence. mati hari was a showy, attention-craving, fun-loving, tasteful, cunning exibitionist leo. her rising sign was a sexual, dark, severe, intense, powerful scorpio. from what i’ve read, she wouldn’t have lived life any other way. leo sun, scorpio rising, absinthe bohemian: MATA HARI.

(MATA HARI absinthe liqueur is ironically a scorpio as it is made with the martian herb, wormwood.) the graphic design on the label is fab and so is the taste. no artificial anything, especially it’s name sake… MATA HARI $58. MATA HARI is one of the strongest traditional absinthes. 60% vol./ 120 proof. Original recipe from 1881. Produced in the last authentic historical Austrian Absinthe distillery. Mata Hari is made of the finest herbs, above all Wormwood and Salvia. Highest legal level of Thujon & Absinthin. Mata Hari containes all-natural ingridients and is exclusively coloured with natural herbs only. Nice louche effect with ice & water with no dominant anise taste and therefore outstanding mixing abilities.

prince charles has become one of the world’s leading celebrity environmentalists, and the most wealthy too i might add. his natural foods company and distillery are both doing quite well.

charles (scorpio) instructed his mechanics to outfit his aston martin, a 21st birthday present from queen elizabeth (taurus), with a bioethanol engine which he’s taken to running on surplus wine. waste not, want not… even for the royal family, whose royal train runs on biodiesel. this is a great video to watch… especially the ending, where the reporter suggests a jet that runs on leftover champagne.

WATCH CHARLES’ VIDEO HERE.

VIA GREEN MSN

when i was younger, and knew less about astrology then i do now, i was fearful of anyone born under the sign of scorpio. all i’d heard was that they were intense and vindictive, and that was scary. but then i had my chart done, and found that low and behold—i had scorpio rising! of course, i commenced learning more about the sign immediately and found that yes, vindictiveness is one of our more negative traits. but when it’s used–it’s usually well warranted. ha, now how scorpio does that sound?! so my sun sign is still capricorn, but my ascending, or rising sign is scorpio, which most astrologers argue plays as significant role in a personality as the sun sign. susan miller even goes as far as to say that you should read both-your sun and rising sign- forecasts each month. i’ve grown to quite like having scorpio in my chart and now at least i sort of understand the constant upheaval i seem to induce, and serious persona i am, and drama queen i can be. if you haven’t had your chart professionally done, put it on your holiday wish list. i’ve read many a chart, and i don’t believe one has ever hurt me in any way. i didn’t go slash my wrists, or gamble my savings, or join a sex club (though that might be a good thing). if anything, it has made me understand parts of me that i never did before, and inspired me to improve my weaknesses so well explained in the reading.

Max Heindel in Simplified Scientific Astrology [1865-1919] has this to say:
“Thus, when you have given an astrologer the data of your birth, you have given him the key to your innermost soul, and there is no secret that he may not ferret out. This knowledge may be used for good or ill, to help or hurt, according to the nature of the man. Only a tried friend should be trusted with this key to your soul, and it should never be given to any one base enough to prostitute a spiritual science for material gain.”

i don’t recommend getting an online quickie (unless it’s with owen) chart, as sometimes they are not accurate. try using a real human-what a novelty! alternatively, try using VEDIC astrology, rather than WESTERN. the former takes into consideration the rotation of the earth’s axis, while the latter does not. wherever you decide to have your chart done, you might just find you have some COSMIC BAD ASS in you too! cheers to the scorpio, one of the most invincible signs of the zodiac. happy birthday owen ; )

how appropriate that the sun is in SCORPIO on october 31st. yes, ALL HALLOW’S EVE belongs to the SCORPION, a small insect capable of delivering instant death. not unlike its ruler, PLUTO, who’s so tiny she’s been discounted as a planet, but is actually more powerful than any of the planets! yes, hers is a body of celestial immortality and COUNTESS DRACULA was certainly of the SCORPION persuasion. which leads us neatly into our topic at hand, or throat – VAMPYRE VODKA. and like that elusive transylvanian, this blood red liquor is extremely hard to locate!
try canyon city, colorado – they have it! a must for this weekend’s halloween party. serve with these uber cool skull swizzlers for the perfect halloween treat. mind you, they’re more of a trick for your wallet, at $100 per set. the photo doesn’t do them justice though – these things are FAB and if you’re gonna drop a c note on stir sticks, let it be these! get em at NEIMAN MARCUS.

today i attended the now famous GARLIC FESTIVAL in new york’s hudson valley. what started out with a few farmers getting together after the harvest for a garlic pot luck dinner has turned into a major tourist attraction. the two day event draws 50,000 visitors who can watch cooking lessons, learn gardening tips, listen to live music, buy arts and crafts and of course, sample many types of GARLIC flavored food!

garlic is a scorpio. not because it’s odorous breath strikes you when you least expect it – the next day, through your pores… but because of it’s spicy personality, it is ruled by the feisty planet of mars. not only that, but due to garlic’s regenerative powers, it is also ruled by pluto. to grow garlic, you simply bury it in the garden – the bulb will regenerate itself into a plant over the winter! the outermost planet is one of life and death, whose nature is exhibited in the rising of the phoenix, or the growing cycle of a garlic plant, or if you will, the undead vampire. scorpio will not be extinguished easily, and this little clove is soooo scorpion in nature!

and who can forget it’s vampire-fighting capabilities? just in time for halloween cocktails!

BITE ME NOT
3 oz freshly extracted apple juice (substitute unpasteurized cider if you don’t have)
2 oz garlic-infused gin*
1 1/2 raw simple syrup*
1/2 fresh squeezed lemon juice

GARLIC-INFUSED GIN
chop up 3 cloves garlic and put in 750 ml bottle of gin. allow to sit in dark place for 3 days to 3 weeks. agitate to expedite infusion time. strain and store.

RAW SIMPLE SYRUP
shake in container a mixture of half water and half raw organic sugar until dissolved. store in fridge.

(created by gwen sutherland kaiser)

FUNNEL CAKES WITH CARAMELIZED GARLIC

GARLIC ICE CREAM

GARLIC COOKIES

GARLIC INCENSE

thanks to KUCHENLATEIN for hosting WEEKEND HERB BLOGGING #102.

(below: the hilton in las vegas. where’s paris)?

I’ve always had a bathroom fetish, as i suspect many people do. don’t invite me over to your pad, because as soon as you turn your back, i’m opening the refridgerator door, and paying a visit to the lou. maybe it’s because i have scorpio rising – and scorpio rules the bladder and urinary tract – and makes for a very curious person too. but i like to see how the lavoratory is arranged, what color palette is used, what accessories have been chosen, how clean it is, and so forth. it’s like, studying the whole place is sensory overload, so i take a slice of the joint for the overall gist of what’s goin on in my friend’s crib. sorry peeps, i know, i just blew a whole year’s worth of invites.

(below: Mystique Night Club in Bangkok, Thailand).

anyway, same holds true for bars. ever notice how kids always have to check out the bathroom? without fail, during every restaurant meal, the lil’ one will say they have to go – even if they don’t. i still enjoy perusing an establishment’s facility. ONCE. but, when you’re out for the night, and break that infamous seal, seems you never leave the damn bathroom. so, don’t break the seal! but when you simply cannot hold it any longer, and finally cave in to your bladder’s irrepressible desire, there is no pleasure greater than that of the flush!

here’s to breaking the seal, web style,where you can go, without really going.

URINAL.NET will post any cool toilet photos you send them, giving even greater pleasure to the flush.

(above: Stamperl bar in Vienna, Austria).