this little tale should make you feel better about your life:

after an exhausting week manning my booth at the nyigf, i arrived home sweet home to find that my cats had all come down with tapeworm. spending about 2 days disinfecting every surface in the house i then came to discover that they had roundworm too. awesome. repeat. since half of my cats are 17 plus year old geriatrics, this infestation didn’t sit too kindly with their antique systems. they’ve still not quite recovered. between pill popping (or jamming), enemas, specialized diets, quarantined litter boxes, ridiculously unnatural shedding, and you don’t even want to hear what else, i’ve become head nurse in a feline infirmary…

now i guess the houseplants were feeling neglected from all this sudden attention the four-legged furballs were getting, so they made a play to get some of gwen’s lovin’ for themselves. they went and caught a raging case of mealy bugs–YAH! my fave : ( if you’ve never encountered mealy bugs, well you just don’t know what you’re missing. i’ll spare you the details.

it was around this time that the inclement weather (light snow) caused a power outage for 1 1/2 days. not too unusual for these here parts… but the electric did come back on, and i jumped in that shower faster than you can say glogg, turned the heat up to 85 degrees, made food on the stove (as opposed to the bbq) and checked my email. i was as happy as a pig in shit.

and then the shit hit the fan, and a tree brought the power wire down. utopia equals game over. i needed alcohol and i needed it now. but as you might imagine, i’d grown weary of chilled cocktails—so i decided to try my hand at swedish cuisine, and attempt the traditional libation known as glogg, or in this particular case, ghetto glogg. best prepared in 45 degrees with a flashlight and gloves. i managed to scrounge up some brandy, red wine, honey, anise, cardamon and cloves in total darkness and throw them on the grill. i almost threw myself on there too. though tasty, the ghetto glogg was mcdonalds hot. i threw in a snowball and went to bed. crawling underneath my 16 covers, with my 16 cats, and my cup o’ ghetto glogg, i vowed not to leave the second floor of the house… because guess what? heat really does rise. now was as good a time as any to read my tarot cards… drawing the devil card for my immediate future, things were decidedly not looking up. worried, but resigned i finally passed out. i woke to 2 feet of snow–and counting–and 3 trees blocking the driveway. damn… should have made my escape while i had the chance. now i was trapped (devil) and had to find someone with a chain saw asap. every friend i called was busy with their own disaster. i was screwed. thank god for the neighbor i’d never met who was out walking his dog as i desperately tried to free tree branches from their snow tombs. this earth angel came back with his chain saw, and as soon as the trees were cleared the plow truck showed and i high taled it outta there. it wasn’t until 6 days later that i regained access! S I X L O N G D A Y S. thank god for starbucks and their free wifi.

NON-GHETTO GLOGG:
* 2 (750 milliliter) bottles red wine
* 2 ounces dried orange zest
* 2 ounces cinnamon sticks
* 20 whole cardamom seeds
* 25 whole cloves
* 1 pound blanched almonds
* 1 pound raisins
* 1 pound sugar cubes
* 5 fluid ounces brandy

1. Pour wine into a large pot. Bring to a boil over medium high heat. Wrap orange zest, cinnamon sticks, cardamom and cloves in cheesecloth, tie with kitchen string and put into pot. Let boil for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in almonds and raisins and continue to boil for 15 more minutes. Remove from heat.
2. Place a wire grill over the pot and cover with sugar cubes. Slowly pour on brandy, making sure to completely saturate the sugar. Light sugar with a match and let it flame. When sugar has melted, cover pot with lid to extinguish flame.
3. Stir and remove spice bag. Serve hot in cups with a few almonds and raisins.

there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that we are being completely FUCKED with. most would say i’m a conspiracy theorist, but i prefer to call myself a curious skeptic, anxious to find loving truth under each rock i turn. with my rising sign in scorpio, i’m a natural sleuth, and there aren’t many rocks that escape my scrutiny. often, i’m shocked to find greed and deception laying under the most beautiful rocks. especially lately, in a time when it seems a new cover up is exposed daily. the question is WHO exactly is fucking with us… aliens? the government? an elite secret society? the more one researches any of those three, the more convinced one becomes. in fact, one could spend days googling, youtubing, and surfing to be totally convinced that we are under attack. or one can stoically dismiss the mounting evidence as outlandish, over-imaginative trash talk. all i ask is that you open your mind to the possibility… OPEN YOUR MIND. then make your decision to believe or not believe these “theories”.

if you don’t want to go though the tedium of research, you can cut right to the chase with some groundbreaking films put out by new production company, REALITY ENTERTAINMENT. they have several titles from which to choose, but THE CONSPIRACY TO RULE THE WORLD, FROM 911 TO THE ILLUMINATI, is a good one to start with. i suggest you watch this video to learn how deeply entangled in this web we really are. this film exposes stuff i’ve never seen on the web! 911 was planned: a european news anchor said the tower had fallen as it stood erect in the background. it fell 20 minutes later, so obviously the press release went out early. there were two huge attachments on the bottom of each plane, and they’re captured on film! the hole in the pentagon wall could not have been physically made by an airplane–it’s been proven. numerous firefighters swear they saw bombs go off while they were inside WTC. and my personal favorite is the benign enough looking, but very sinister organization called COMMON PURPOSE. well now, how many times have i heard obama speak those two words in his speeches? apparently the phrase “common purpose” is simply another way of saying “new world order” which is code for “slave system.” hint: we’re not going to be the slave masters if you catch my drift… this video will WAKE you up to the new reality that is upon us!

the key to solving our little predicament lies in staying positive and acting constructively. if you watch an enlightening video like this and then want to kill yourself, well we haven’t solved a thing, have we? that would be akin to someone saying, oh gosh i don’t where to start conserving energy, or saving money, or eating healthy — there’s just too much! and then they just shut down and don’t do a thing because they are frozen with fear, or overwhelmed with depression. just remember KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, and the only way to win this war (if you believe we are its victims) is to THINK POSITIVE, BE HONEST, ACT KINDLY and be a RESPONSIBLE CITIZEN of the earth abiding by SPIRITUAL LAW. that my friends, is the only way we can win. so what are you waiting for? stop the denial… admit you should be more informed… watch the mind-blowing flicks from REALITY ENTERTAINMENT…

mais oui, c’est vrai! a retailer in france, AUX2MONDES now carries intoxicated zodiac candles. to me, this is just the coolest thing in the world. herve fond, owner, has a penchant for environmentally friendly, wordly-type products. this is obvious in his choice of name: ALL THE WORLD. merci, monsieur fond––i am honored.

you know… a few years back, a psychic dice reader, JEAN NASOL, predicted that intoxicated zodiac would be sold internationally and i couldn’t quite believe it. but here we are… and it turns out she was right. a votre sante!

TAUREAU: “Bougie à la cire de soja et aux huiles essentielles. Un parfum créer juste pour vous ou pour votre conjoint, réconfortant, et apaisant. L’hibiscus appartient a Vénus est et bénéfique aux Taureaux”

meet FOR TEQUILA LOVERS, the first and only social network for tequila lovers, by tequila lovers. filled with anything and everything about tequila, agave, mezcal and mexico, this site is right on trend. but wait… there’s more, shop the STORE! it’s stocked with dozens of rare and hard to find tequilas. who dares say TEQUILA’S NOT THE NEW VODKA?

and where else can you get free therapy? meet BOOZE LADY: SPIRITUAL ADVISER, who calls this site her home. read below for my recent Q & A:

IZ:
1. WHAT IS THE THE PROPER TIP AMOUNT ON COCKTAILS?

2. A COCKTAIL RECOMMENDATION TO GET ME CLOSER TO GOD?

BL:
1. IT DEPENDS AND 2. IT DEPENDS. TIPPING IS LARGELY SUBJECTIVE AND AFFECTED BY VARIABLES INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO SERVICE, AMBIENCE, POUR, MOOD, AND ALLURE OF THE SERVER. IF YOU WEREN’T OFFENDED OR CAUGHT IN A FIRE, YOU CAN’T GO WRONG WITH 20%. IN A PINCH, ASK YOUR HELPFUL SERVER.

2. AS TO GETTING CLOSER TO GOD, THAT DEPENDS ON WHO YOUR GOD IS. MAYAHUEL, THE TRAGIC BRIDE OF QUETZALCOATL, WAS PUT IN THE EARTH WHERE THE AGAVE SPRANG FOURTH, HER BLOOD TURNING TO NECTAR. TO ARRANGE A MEETING WITH THESE DEITIES ONE SIMPLY NEEDS TO CHOOSE A NICE AGAVE TEQUILA, LATHER, RINSE AND REPEAT AS NEEDED. I’LL EXPECT A FULL BRIEFING ON YOUR MEETING…..

ALL THE BEST, BL

ok… so… thanks booze lady… i guess i know what i’m doing tonight… mmmnnnn…. tequila all over!

if you haven’t all ready heard, December 21, 2012 is the end date of the sophisticated Long Count Calendar created by the ancient Maya in Central America. the question is, will this apocalyptic deadline be just that, or will it signal a rebirth of consiousness? seeing as the word “apocalypse” literally translates to “unveiling,” either way you look at it, this whole end of the world business is a good thing.

if you are as curious as i about this new dawning age, the movie 2012, will put to rest a fair amount of your questions. the movie explains how earth is entering the age of aquarius — engrained in our heads if for no other reason than the catchy song “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In.” from the musical Hair, it was released as a single in 1969 by The 5th Dimension. interestingly, the 5th dimension is what the human (or Terran race as aliens refer to us) is in the process of now ascending to. we are finally leaving the 4th dimension… yah!

In astrology, the Age of Aquarius is one of the twelve astrological ages. According to astrologers, it is either the next age to come, or else it is the current age. Each astrological age is approximately 2,150 years long, on average, but there are various methods that can make ages much longer and shorter depending upon the technique used.

VISIT 2012: THE MOVIE

chocolate. i was just told by my new age psychic medical docter dude that i’m allergic to it. well, only sex is better than chocolate, and only by a small margin. so sorry doctor, i cannot and will not give up my chocolate! apparently, pure dark chocolate has a high acidity content, and fyi, acid is bad for our systems. don’t even go down the milk chocolate road… that’s just wrong all the way round. devil’s tool wrong… but so like, here i am, knowing that i shouldn’t be touching chocolate with a ten foot pole and yet there i go rubbing myself all in it. hello? self control? you there? will power? out to lunch—binging on chocolate. and so it goes with me, chocolate, and libra. those troublesome libra men—so hot, so wrong. when oh when will i stay away? i’m trying to refrain from both these days—and libra’s LUJURIA is helping me out with some simulated intimacy. a double shot of godiva chocolate liqueur in a dark beer does wonders for the palette and the libido. BTW, the tempting cocoa bean is ruled by venus and is thus a tempting libra. as if you couldn’t have guessed. this beer concoction goes down real smooth, just like libra men.

LUJURIA
one bottle dark beer
double shot godiva chocolate liqueur

since i’m the only blog that hasn’t done an AVIATION cocktail yet, i thought it about time. truth be told, i think the Crème de Violette tastes rather like vicks 44 alone, but when it’s blended in a cocktail it suddenly becomes palatable and intriguing. and like so many recipes from a bygone era, this classic tipple tastes better with every sip. funny how those old timers grow on you like that, isn’t it?

this particular bottle of violet liqueur has been sitting on my bar for over a year… talk about procrastination. yup, i’m the queen of it and so is taurus—happy birthday to all you bulls out there! perhaps my nasty habit of putting things off stems from my moon in taurus placement, and if it doesn’t at least that makes a good excuse. i have a lazy bull sitting on my moon, so leave me alone world! actually, when nick newmont did my chart for me, he told me i had a hunter’s moon… this apparently is the culprit behind my hesitance to take action. i like to wait and see how things play out, and then before ya know it, i’ve missed the damn boat!

last weekend i was out hiking with my dogs when i stumbled upon these incredibly abundant and exquisite violets—i was compelled to pick them for garniture in a tipple that called for Crème de Violette, and here we are! the violet is ruled by none other than the planet of beauty and love, venus. hence the voilet falls under the dominion of taurus. unlike scorpio, the overtly sexual sign, taurus prefers sex behind closed doors. but prefers sex none the less. (thanks to nick newmont for that insightful analogy) most of us would never know taurus was exceptionally talented in the sack, or particularly well endowed, and that they consider sex a basic need of life along with shelter, water and food. but it is true. so if you think all that cute taurus across the hall does well is drink, cook and look pretty, think again. she can hit every g spot in the human body too. provided it’s behind a beautiful, well built, antique, solid oak, closed door… cheers to taurus and making love in true taurean fashion… delectable, tantalizing, enduring, appreciative, satisfying, taurus.

AVIATION COCKTAIL
2 ounces gin
1/2 ounce freshly squeezed lemon juice
2 teaspoons maraschino liqueur
1/4 ounce Crème de Violette

This Saturday I’ll be a guest on LA Talk Radio’s PSYCHICSTYLE, with renowned Hollywood psychic, Justine Kenzer. phone in with your psychic question and get a free reading, because Justine (aries, btw) takes calls during the show!! Trust me, the girl is good. (323-203-0815 / noon PST). Or just tune in for justine’s cutting-edge healthy-living tips. she has an uncanny skill for ferreting out cool new products before anyone else has even heard of them… if you miss the show, no worries – catch it on archive 24/7. i hope to “hear” you there!

my favorite celebrity taurus is Shirley MacLaine. some think she’s a nut. i think she’s both brilliant and courageous. if you haven’t read her best selling book EL CAMINO, it’s both interesting, informative and inspirational. a real good read… like shirley herself, a real good taurus. but a real unusual taurus, or so i thought. for this earthiest of signs, her head surprisingly up in the clouds.

but… apparently, “because we live in a predominantly confused, wounded, and materialistic world that we think Taurus is mainly about money, possessions, and sensual indulgences. But Taurus is also a powerful symbol for enlightenment, and as we begin to wake up, it becomes more important to see Taurus and the 2nd House as referring to the potential for the truest inner peace, and therefore as well as to the obstacles to this real freedom.” VIA ASTROLOGYFORTHESOUL

Whoever said Taureans were predictable didn’t know Shirley MacLaine. But this atypical award winning Terms of Endearment actress, author, dancer, and spiritual seeker is typically Taurean in her quest for inner peace – a journey she’s taken to task. Material bound Taurus Shirley is famous for her earthy stability. Yet look deeper into her easy way in the world of natural things and see a supernatural connection. Shirley talks of past lives, like having been Charlemagne’s lover, or being guided by angels. Like most actresses early in their career, Shirley’s body image was closely tied to her self-worth, so self-love became a lifetime pursuit for Shirley. The body’s imperfections are raw material for Taurus; in appreciating her natural flaws with love and reverence, Taurus connects to her own unshakeable confidence, a security that cannot be bought or sold. Confidence indeed, this head-in-the-stars star is no shrinking violet. Wisdom, maturity, and celebrity have given Shirley her formidable diva reputation, something she proudly claims. “I’m a diva. If someone isn’t doing something right, I tell them and they do it my way. I’ve earned the right”. Can you say no bull? VIA MSN

shirley’s all-important rising sign is virgo, angel of truth and guardian of purity. her taurus/virgo combo really makes sense!

while all colors are powerful, orange is exceptionally so. i suppose it is no coincidence that the mighty sign of leo is associated with the color orange. the second chakra is our seat of power, our gut, our intuition–and it is orange. when our inner orange speaks, we would do well to listen. monks don orange colored robes as a sign of wisdom. not just intelligence, but wisdom learned or channeled from a higher source, or even our higher selves. you’re loving this, aren’t you leo? lordess of the zodiac, lady marmalade!

LADY MARMALADE is one of my all time fave songs known best for it’s naughty, aggressive and oversexed lyrics (especially for it’s time). “voulez-vous coucher avec moi c’est soir?” or in english, “would you make love to me tonight?” well, wouldn’t you know–the color orange also symbolizes pleasure, as in unquenchable lust. considering leo is essentially a big ball of orange fur, i’m thinking this pussy cat’s pretty good in the sack. am i right leo?

LADY MARMALADE

1 oz scotch
1 1/2 tbsp marmalade
1 oz honey syrup
1 oz fresh lemon juice

stir exceedingly well, or shake vigorously over ice. strain into ice packed-lowball glass.

***honey syrup: 1 c water, 1/2 c honey. heat on stove until dissolved (should be a few minutes on simmer). add splash of vodka and store in fridge.

wanna know about the spiritual manifestations of the color orange, or any other color for that matter? read TONY & TINA COLOR ENERGY. via intoxicated zodiac