dentristy is a questionable profession for libra. capricorn, who rules the teeth along with saturn, is much better suited. Libra’s make excellent trophy wives, flirtatious diplomats, solid sex workers. but, dentists, not so much. as i lay helplessly in her big vinyl chair, drooling all over myself, my hygienist informed me that she’s really in the wrong field. oh you don’t say, i thought to myself… she went on to inform me that she’d heard, as a libra, she should have been a prostitute. oh really, i raised my eyebrow… i wondered what we doing here then. shouldn’t she be on a corner somewhere? or in a swanky hotel room? or in some diplomat’s pied-à-terre… massaging something other than a set of gums? She then admitted that, unlike her Libran sister, who would’ve been a wonderful whore because boy is she a slut, turning tricks just wasn’t her thing! well men, i breathed a sigh of relief for you. and as i tasted the blood enter my mouth, i thought - with hands like these, it’s a good thing she missed her call girl calling. i nodded sympathetically and humorously in agreement, thanking god i had another six months before having to undergo the hooking hygienist’s tool again.

which brings me to my latest revelation: holistic dentistry! yes, i finally grew tired of having my mouth raped by the scalpel metal picky thing and ventured out into territory unknown… i wish i’d done it sooner! enter sandra senzon, holistic intergrative dental professional and published author. aptly dubbed the tooth fairy, sandra (a Leo) performed magic on my mouth. here’s the thing… i underwent the cosmetic whitening treatment at BRITE SMILE and now my teeth were falling out of my mouth. minor detail. the extreme ultra violet bleaching method that BRITE SMILE used had caused my gums to recede, and now drinking (HORROR), eating, smiling and brushing were torturous. in the comfort of her chrysler building office with panoramic views of new york city, sandra sprayed her proprietary blend of CAMELIA OIL on my teeth. she then went in and did a thorough cleaning, which i hardly felt at all! MAGIC. this natural oil had done what nothing else had been able to do - stop my pain. i departed with a bottle, along with sandra’s book, REVERSING GUM DISEASE NATURALLY. So impressed was i, that i have made Sandra’s products AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE.

camelia oil isn’t just for numbing tooth pain naturally. it’s also a great way to whiten teeth safely, without employing harsh bleaching chemicals used by every other tooth whitening product on the market today. it also contains anti-oxidant properties and repels plaque.

sandra discovered camelia oil’s whitening properties while researching the essential oil lavender. traditionally used in skin care, she made the connection between our skin and the skin of our teeth - our gums. since then, she has developed and sold over 8,000 bottles to her tooth spa clients in the flavors of lavender (gemini & virgo), eucalyptus (leo) and peppermint (taurus & libra).
a visit to the TOOTH SPA is not your typical dentist appointment. for starters, you’ll find only essential oils and natural products, like the echinacea toothpaste - which BTW is completely non-abrasive and 100% edible - unlike conventional brands. but the best is that antique salt trays are used as receptacles - how cool! sandra also studies canine meridian relationships in diagnosing your toothy problem. i had no idea that each tooth is related to a different parts of the body, not unlike acupuncture and reflexology.

“Every organ and every part of your body is directly linked to a specific tooth or area of the mouth via these meridians, or energy highways. This connection is so strong that a biological dentist can often accurately guess your dental history simply by reviewing your physical symptoms.”

some other things i learned in my quest for healthy teeth: 1) hydrosonic cleaning is no better than the old fashioned dental pick and axe. they both scrape valuable enamel off your teeth. 2) silver/mercury fillings are bad. replace them if you can, but do it slowly, one at a time and only when you are in peak physical condition. taking them out too fast can create many physical problems. 3) drink light colored cocktails for whiter teeth. duh! mojito anyone?

as PLANET WAVES’ eric francis puts it, every astrologer has their personal poster child for each sign, and Lennon is his Libra. Good choice; but being the animal lovin slut that i am, alicia silverstone is mine. she is the epitome of charm and grace, which is libra’s MO. after Clueless, where did the cute little blondette go? she disappeared, into fatdom. i thought for sure she was britney spears done. but she wasn’t going down that easily! to my surprise, the very much clued-in clueless star turned her career and life around. she claims that was due to one thing and one thing alone: vegetarianism.

watch alicia skinny dip

ASTROTHEME had some interestingly accurate interpretations from reading alicia’s chart:

“the predominance of planets in the Southern hemisphere pushes alicia to act, to draw attention to herself and make her actions and what she has in mind visible for everyone. The predominance of Water signs indicates a high sensitivity and an elevation of sentiment.”

HELLO, can we say, NAKED PETA VIDEO?!

alicia is probably very busy honoring WORLD ANIMAL WEEK, held every october 3 - 10. let’s hope she doesn’t forget to celebrate her own birthday!

ANIMALS MATTER TO ME: sign the petition

My old friend, Marcelo do Rio, recently launched his brand new lager line in New York City, on the Lower East Side. Ironically, close to the very spot where I first met him at a party many years ago, back when I was in college. He had it all going for him: Tall, dark & handsome, sexy Portuguese accent, bad boy rocker tude… a whole lotta hot. But most importantly, willing to split a bottle of tequila with my best friend and I that night. We partied ’til the sun came up, and a friendship that continues to this day was born.

Some years later, Marcelo decided that his Brazilian roots were calling him back. He returned home to Rio and opened a restauraunt, CAROLINE CAFE. He’d been waiting tables since he arrived in NY, so I guess he felt he knew the biz. Turns out he was right. Several restauraunts, bars, and Trump-style deals later, he opened DEVASSA. Translated into English, Devassa means free-spirited party girl (think topless drunk chick at Carnival). Devassa was such a success, that he opened a few more nightclubs under that name, and a micro brewery.

So I asked Marcelo, why beer? He told that during his stay in NY, he was proud to drink the one Brazilian beer, Xingú, that our favorite bar, SOPHIES, served. And now, with the success of DEVASSA, he has every reason to be proud again.

In five short years, it has caught on hard in the UK and Europe - and the US is next on it’s list. The most important Brazilian import since Cachacha itself, it’s easy to see why Devassa has become so popular so fast. Each alluring lager is named after the hair color of a beautiful woman. Blonde = Pilsen, Redhead = Pale Ale and Brunette = Dark Lager. I’ve only tried the Blonde, but she was delicious. Considering I usually go for brunettes, I can’t wait to get my hands on one of those. And while I’m not usually into Redheads, I’m willing to try anything once.

DEVASSA’S A LIBRA! Marcelo and his partners conceived the idea during the month of September. The perfect sign for a perfect slut!

Devassa, in her relentless pursuit of fun, will get you drunk. Check out the label on the back of her can:

“Devassa Blonde has all the seducing flavors of a Pilsen beer: It is clear, slightly bitter and refreshing. Devassa Tropical Lager catches your breath just like a beautiful Blonde on Ipanema beach in Rio de Janerio does. From the first sip, you will taste the high quality hops and malted barley, and like the Blonde on the beach, immediately fall in love with it”.

Watch A HARD-ON OF A BEER

Wanna meet Devassa? Contact the distributor, Aladdin Beverage.