this little tale should make you feel better about your life:

after an exhausting week manning my booth at the nyigf, i arrived home sweet home to find that my cats had all come down with tapeworm. spending about 2 days disinfecting every surface in the house i then came to discover that they had roundworm too. awesome. repeat. since half of my cats are 17 plus year old geriatrics, this infestation didn’t sit too kindly with their antique systems. they’ve still not quite recovered. between pill popping (or jamming), enemas, specialized diets, quarantined litter boxes, ridiculously unnatural shedding, and you don’t even want to hear what else, i’ve become head nurse in a feline infirmary…

now i guess the houseplants were feeling neglected from all this sudden attention the four-legged furballs were getting, so they made a play to get some of gwen’s lovin’ for themselves. they went and caught a raging case of mealy bugs–YAH! my fave : ( if you’ve never encountered mealy bugs, well you just don’t know what you’re missing. i’ll spare you the details.

it was around this time that the inclement weather (light snow) caused a power outage for 1 1/2 days. not too unusual for these here parts… but the electric did come back on, and i jumped in that shower faster than you can say glogg, turned the heat up to 85 degrees, made food on the stove (as opposed to the bbq) and checked my email. i was as happy as a pig in shit.

and then the shit hit the fan, and a tree brought the power wire down. utopia equals game over. i needed alcohol and i needed it now. but as you might imagine, i’d grown weary of chilled cocktails—so i decided to try my hand at swedish cuisine, and attempt the traditional libation known as glogg, or in this particular case, ghetto glogg. best prepared in 45 degrees with a flashlight and gloves. i managed to scrounge up some brandy, red wine, honey, anise, cardamon and cloves in total darkness and throw them on the grill. i almost threw myself on there too. though tasty, the ghetto glogg was mcdonalds hot. i threw in a snowball and went to bed. crawling underneath my 16 covers, with my 16 cats, and my cup o’ ghetto glogg, i vowed not to leave the second floor of the house… because guess what? heat really does rise. now was as good a time as any to read my tarot cards… drawing the devil card for my immediate future, things were decidedly not looking up. worried, but resigned i finally passed out. i woke to 2 feet of snow–and counting–and 3 trees blocking the driveway. damn… should have made my escape while i had the chance. now i was trapped (devil) and had to find someone with a chain saw asap. every friend i called was busy with their own disaster. i was screwed. thank god for the neighbor i’d never met who was out walking his dog as i desperately tried to free tree branches from their snow tombs. this earth angel came back with his chain saw, and as soon as the trees were cleared the plow truck showed and i high taled it outta there. it wasn’t until 6 days later that i regained access! S I X L O N G D A Y S. thank god for starbucks and their free wifi.

NON-GHETTO GLOGG:
* 2 (750 milliliter) bottles red wine
* 2 ounces dried orange zest
* 2 ounces cinnamon sticks
* 20 whole cardamom seeds
* 25 whole cloves
* 1 pound blanched almonds
* 1 pound raisins
* 1 pound sugar cubes
* 5 fluid ounces brandy

1. Pour wine into a large pot. Bring to a boil over medium high heat. Wrap orange zest, cinnamon sticks, cardamom and cloves in cheesecloth, tie with kitchen string and put into pot. Let boil for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in almonds and raisins and continue to boil for 15 more minutes. Remove from heat.
2. Place a wire grill over the pot and cover with sugar cubes. Slowly pour on brandy, making sure to completely saturate the sugar. Light sugar with a match and let it flame. When sugar has melted, cover pot with lid to extinguish flame.
3. Stir and remove spice bag. Serve hot in cups with a few almonds and raisins.

as i probably mentioned about a hundred times now, i was priviledged enough to spend every other summer of my childhood in scotland visiting my family. until i started to get bored of the bi-annual excursions (in my teens), the trips were the highlight of my year. of particular interest to my three sisters and i, were the TENNENT’S LAGER GIRLS. my grandfather (pisces, of course) would enjoy a beer religiously every lunch (which was at one o’clock ON THE DOT) and we would always wait in anticipation to see which girl’s cans would adorn the can that particular day. each girl seemed prettier than the next, and we would have serious debates as to which was the most beautiful. i don’t believe we ever agreed on this even once! apparently i saved one of these hilarious cans (shocker) because i found it in my stuff (of which there’s a plenty) and just had to blog it. i think it’s time for a PAM ANDERSON or DITA VON TEESE–inspired micro brew, don’t you? check out some other old girlie cans on THE GREAT AUSSIE BEER SHED

it takes a brit to sign off on a good gin. it’s kind of a funny coincidence, but every time a sample of gin arrives at my door, it seems a scottish relative is not far behind. those brits have an extraordinary sense of smell when it comes to certain types of alcohol—3,000 miles is seemingly not an obstacle.

enter aunt diana… she’s a typical libra without the nasty side effects. i do believe she’s even more balanced that the average well-balanced libra. so much so, in fact, that she lends her balance to others by practicing therapeutic reiki. but reiki or not, aunt diana likes the sauce. namely, the stuff that comes from juniper berries, that goes by the name of BEEFEATER.

shortly after my sample of BEEFEATER arrived out of nowhere on my doorstep, my mom announced to my father that her sister was coming to stay for a spell. well, it wasn’t 24 hours later that a gigundo bottle of supersized BEEFEATER had joined the liquor cabinet. clearly, my dad was scared. he was shakin’ in his boots at the thought of not having my aunt’s nightcap of choice on hand, which was BEEFEATER, which was usually mixed in a G & T. that would be an embarrassment though, wouldn’t it?

it’s that time of year again– the time of plenty, the reaping of nature’s bounty, the reward for your hard work… autumn harvest. there is such as vast wealth of produce available at this time of year that i find it’s simply not possible to keep up with it all. it’s a crime against nature and humanity when those beautiful plums go rotten, just because you were too full from peaches and raspberries to eat them. a crime it tell you, but fret no more! good ‘ole mom has the solution… and that solution is STEWED FRUIT.

when mom sees the contents of her fruit bowl sliding down the slippery slope of rottenness, she takes the whole lot and dumps them in a pot. she then adds some sugar, with a little bit of water to prevent the bottom from sticking, and simmers on low until what’s left is a big pile of wet lumpy fruit. trust me, this will taste much better than it sounds. after you finish stewing the fruit (20 minutes or so), strain (be sure to squeeze out all the valuable liquid), and add a splash of vodka as a preservative. store in fridge until you are ready to use. voila–no wasted bounty, and a fresh cocktail to boot!

while most but not all fruit falls under the dominion of delectable venus, the very nature of this cocktail is scorpion. taking something whose vital force is all but gone… and giving it an entirely new life in the form of a cocktail–well, that’s scorpio for you. the sign of life and death, and that of the greatest healer as well. like the phoenix rising from the ashes, scorpio will have your near rotten fruit smelling like roses and tasting like heaven. cheers to you all powerful scorpion.

STEWED FRUIT COCKTAIL:
1 cup stewed fruit juice (mom used plum)
3 oz fresh squeezed lemon
4 oz tequila
1 cup or so simple syrup* (sweeten to taste)

add all ingredients to small pitcher and stir. cool in fridge and serve straight up, or over ice if the mixture is very thick. (the ice will water it down). garnish with a piece of non-rotten fruit.

simple syrup is a mixture of equal parts sugar and water. no need to heat, simply stir, shake or agitate until dissolved and store in fridge.

THANKS TO KOCHTOPF HOSTING WEEKEND HERB BLOGGING.

my dad is the king of ice cream sodas. his uncle was a soda jerk and operated his own parlor in new york city which served this now famous kaiser treat. upon hearing that i intended to post his recipe, with added alcohol, on my blog got my dad slightly irritated. there was no way in hell his daughter was going to bastardize his secret recipe by adding vodka. in fact, he refused to make me one if i did so. stubborn insane aquarius that he is, i knew he meant it. my illicit vodka had to be added in secret. i ran into my kitchen, and added the vodka to the finished product, which did get a little messy, stirring with all that whipped cream all ready on it. i therefore recommend adding the vodka in the initial stages, all though i have not actually tested how it effects the carbonation. somebody wouldn’t let me, but i highly suggest you do just that the next time you find yourself wanting to be a soda jerk. the vodka gave an extra kick to an all ready out of this world treat. in the same way that a brandied chocolate covered cherry beats the hell out of a regular one, so does this bevvie beat the hell out of dad’s old fashioned version. i’ll not drink a virgin ice cream soda again. sorry dad, oh and thanks for the recipe!

this obscenely decadent snack could only belong to one sign, and that is Sagittarius, the zodiacal hedon. savorer of the whole pint of ben and jerrys. drinker of the whole pitcher of frozen margaritas. eater of all the leftover birthday cake. polite acceptor of second helpings. Sagittarius knows no bounds and her generous below offering super cedes any level of decadence you think you may have known. taste this, and taste gluttony’s broken sin.

NAUGHTY ICE CREAM SODA
vanilla organic icecream
chocolate syrup
fresh organic whipped cream*
seltzer
cherry*
organic whole milk
oh, and vodka

NO COOL WHIP: make fresh whipped cream by adding 1 cup cream to mixing bowl and beating on high until stiff. add sugar to taste. be sure not to over-whip or you will have made butter! you can also beat by hand using a whisk.

CHERRIES: i don’t feel cadmium red dye #9. trader joe has some really great sour morello cherries, or i hear brandied cherries are easy to make. (ashamed to say i’ve not made them).

start with whole milk. of course organic is recommended as there is no RBGH3 growth hormone in it. better for the cows, and better for moo.

add chocolate syrup. dad says be sure that too much milk will flatten the carbonation so BE CAREFUL : )

stir very well with a long-handled spoon or bar spoon.

add more soda and stir again.

add yet MORE seltzer and stir again.

add 2-3 scoops of icecream. again, organic is best cuz there’s no RGBH3 growth hormone.

at this point things will start to get messy so be sure to have RECYCLED MARCAL napkins on hand!

perhaps a little too messy.

/> pop a cherry on that baby and enjoy!

merry christmas everyone! check out some of the goodies i received from santa… yes, i know, shamefully materialistic.

this is the CYCLONE COCKTAIL SHAKER. how cool! it’s acrylic and stainless steel and runs off two triple a batteries. no more shaking vigorously for at least ten seconds… all though these days that’s the only exercise i get… BAD GIRL gwen! just dump the ingredients and press on. dont’ leave on for too long because it will actually heat the beverage from the sheer energy. (bed bath & beyond) thanks bryan : )

next up are some HANDMADE COASTERS… made out of a rescued tile en route to the dumpster. one tile was cut up into nine coasters, ground down around the edges, and then sis’ pasted velour on the bottom. this IS recycling at it’s best!

then we have a beautiful HAND QUILTED APRON from mom… perfect for bar cheffing.

and lastly but not leastly, my niece katrina looks like a future bartender, no?

well fear not, help is here. in the form of the ever faithful farmers’ almanac. i’m always running into people that tell me they were born on the cusp. well, that’s highly unlikely as it is a rarity to actually be born in the few hours in which the sun moves from one constellation to the next. and to make matters more confusing, that particular date changes from year to year. some astrologers believe that being born near this period will imbue on the individual, traits from both signs. personally, i’m not a fan of this theory. (by the way, due to the complexity of our natal charts, we each have some of every sign in all of us!) that i’m aware of, there are three ways to find out if you were truly born on the cusp, or just near the cusp.
***keep in mind that you need to know your exact time and location of birth to proceed with any of these. if you do not have this information, call the town hall in the town where you were born and explain that you are looking for a birth certificate that contains your birth time. NOTE: if you simply request one from the state (new york, anyway,) or use an internet service, you will often times be sent a birth certificate that lacks this important information! unbelievably, it will list only your birth date. it is worth your time and energy to make a few phone calls and get the right information. usually you’ll need to write a notarized letter and send a small check… but it’s worth it – after all, it’s all about you!

1. refer to the farmers’ almanac for the year you were born. the page above is straight out of this year’s almanac. it couldn’t be easier to read! there are two ways that i know of to get an old farmers’ almanac. one is to go to your library. not many will archive this information. in new york, only the state capital library contains it. the second way is to buy it online from ebay or a plethora of other sites. just google your birth year + farmers’ almanac. surprisingly, old issues are pretty inexpensive.

2. contact a good astrologer and have your chart professionally done. i recommend molly claiborne; or ask ELSA.

3. lastly, learn to read an ephemeris, which is daily list of planetary movements. this of course, requires a crash course in astrology.

so there we are… once and for all, the cusp baby dilemma… resolved! (special thanks to my niece gia for being a good little gemini. what an oxymoron : )

this thanksgiving, i had a full house. actually, it was severely overfull in a wonderful way : ) my sisters and their families, including babies and puppies flew in from across the country, and my mum’s family even graced us with a visit from the UK. the perfect chance to review that bottle of DH KRAHN gin waiting patiently on my bar. as with most brits, my uncle is a hard core Gin & Tonic drinker. this thanksgiving holiday i concocted several specialty libations, including a pumpkin pie martini, a cranberry sauce fizz, a mojito, an appletini and a rose gimlet. he politely tasted them all, but pretty much stuck to tippling his good ‘ole G & T. as i mentioned, D H KRAHN had conveniently sent me a bottle, and so i asked my english uncle to review this american gin. hi admitted to quite liking it, and i think it hurt him just to say that! he noted that it was more flavorful than the British gins to which he was accustomed. his only negative comment was that the shape of the bottle made it difficult to squeeze out every single last drop without rolling the bottle around to get it. now that’s a true brit for ya if ever there was! bottom line: it was smooth and palitable and the bottle was empty at the end of the day.

I can’t tell you the number of times people have asked me how I thought up the idea of combining astrology with cocktails. Being a brutally honest Capricorn, I must give credit where its due and admit that it wasn’t entirely my idea. Leos are traditionally very creative types, and our old family friend, Nancy, was no exception. Nancy’s sister, and only living relative, was mentally ill and holed up in a hospice somewhere. Nancy’s boyfriend Sam had no living relatives either. So every Christmas, Easter & Thanksgiving they would spend it with my family. As unique as Nancy was, Sam is even more of a character than she. He actually survived a Nazi concentration camp and made it through the Holocaust to walk through the welcoming gates of Ellis Island. Sam Smith was the name given to him by the immigration officials after they couldn’t pronounce his real name. The last time I saw them, Sam, a Taurus, was helping Nancy get around. Her age was catching up to her, finally, at 94! The 92-year-old Sam looked more like a 72 year old. Now don’t tell me that doesn’t speak volumes about the strength of Taureans. Aaaanyway, Nancy gave my sisters and I many interesting hand-me-down Christmas gifts. Some were keepers, and some weren’t. Among them were old magazines, books, illustration annuals, various hand made gifts ranging from paper mache devils to clown face pillows, old souvenirs, and anything with a cat on it. One time I received a booklet that Nancy had written when she was young called “THE MARTINI HOROSCOPE.” I always knew that Nancy loved her booze from the empty bottles left in her wake every holiday. But apparently, she was an astrology buff as well. I enjoyed reading the hand-typed pamphlet and tucked it away in my closet where it lived for at least a decade. It was only unearthed a few years ago while I was sorting through my things. I pulled it aside and made three copies of it to give to my martini-drinking friends. I never did get around to delivering the copies of the booklet to them (it’s the thought that counts, right?) Unfortunately, There was an awful fire in my parent’s house where the copies and original booklet were being stored and everything was lost. This includes my beloved cats, Pikachu and Cutter. Upon digging through the rubble, the copies I made of Nancy’s booklet were one of the few things to survive. I took that for a sign (pun not intended, really) and have continued the idea today in the form of Intoxicated Zodiacâ„¢. For this reason, I dedicate this site to Nancy (who has since passed), Pikachu (oreo) and Cutter (tabby).

COPY OF NANCY’S BOOKLET, “THE MARTINI HOROSCOPE,” THAT SURVIVED THE FIRE (SORRY GEMINIS, YOUR PAGE DID NOT)