Intoxicated Zodiac Blog » Cocktails of Cancer

cancer’s a hot mess

Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:02:16 +0000

once upon a time, it seems like an eternity ago now, i was mixing a drink. or, i was attempting to mix a drink anyway. i had lemon juice, green apple schnapps, peach puree, maraschino syrup, and i hate to think what other stains stuck to my front. from my fingers to my elbows my skin felt like fly paper–someone must have dipped me in a vat of simple syrup when i wasn’t looking. the jigger kept jumping out of my hand and i’m lucky the mixing glass didn’t end up in my customer’s eye. what a night to be butter fingers… the bar manager was breathing down my neck, the world was closing in, i was praying the drawer would be right, and… and then i was called a hot mess. suddenly, everything was awesome. because hey, if i’m gonna be a mess, then i’ll take the hot part too. i was a hot mess and i kinda liked it.

which brings us to the cantaloupe… this yummy fruit is ruled by the moon and is hence a cancer. if any fruit is a hot mess, it must be the innards of a over ripe melon… juicy, goopy, sweet, fragrant, wet, dripping, tantalizing, delicious… does this sound like any of the cancer’s you’ve known?

this cancerian libation was created at my last bachelorette party. it was the end of the night and we were winding down from my astro-bar cheffing lesson… i suddenly remembered that we had not used pisco in any of our concoctions thus far. heaven forbid, pisco is one of my faves! i immediately set to rectifying that by creating a drink on the spot. i threw in some lemon cooking oil, muddled a few leaves of basil, a few chunks of melon, and shook that baby up. i thought it might very well taste like crap. i poured all the girls a sample and waited for their reaction… luckily, it was positive. their faces lit up with surprise, a lot of mmnnns all around, and then someone called that drink a hot mess! everyone chimed in that this was indeed the perfect name for such an unwieldy yet successful bevvie. and the HOT MESS was born…

HOT MESS:
1 1/2 oz pisco
handful of melon chunks
3-5 leaves basil
dash lemon cooking oil
1/2 oz raw simple syrup
1/2 oz fresh lemon juice

muddle basil, melon. add other ingredients. shake over ice. double strain as per below into glass. enjoy!

strawberries taste better with cucumber vodka

Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 22:44:38 +0000

so… CROP organic vodka sent me this bottle of cucumber infused vodka. and it was good. i mixed it in a cocktail with clear citrus, simple syrup and mashed strawberries. it then became spectacular. i don’t know what it is about cucumbers and strawberries, but my oh my they do get along well together. CROP is sold all over new york city, but if you can’t find it, infuse your own. just slice some cucumbers up and submerge them in vodka. squeeze in as much cucumber as you can and give it a few weeks to infuse. then strain and use in this delicious cocktail.

cucumbers are ruled by the moon… which is the ruling planet of cancer. hard skinned outside, runny, liquidity, seedy, slimy, tasty inside. cancer!

so little cancer, WICKED LITTLE CANCER… you’re just so innocent aren’t you? NOT. so quiet. YEAH RIGHT. so polite and reserved and well spoken. ON THE SURFACE MAYBE. but get to know this thick shelled creature and be warned that the inner—AND REAL— cancer can pop up out of her shell at anytime to bite your head off. or that high maintenance customer’s head, or that annoying sister’s head, or that pompous bosses’ head. or that lazy boyfriend’s head. or that idiot clerk’s head… well you catch my drift and that is, that cancers don’t take crap. and unless i’m on the receiving end, i love em for it! so to all you spicy crustaceous gals out there… have a ‘tini, you deserve it.

FARMER’S MARKETINI

2 oz cucumber vodka
1 oz fresh squeezed lemon
1 1/2 oz simple syrup (1:1 ration water to sugar)
2 strawberries

muddle strawberries in glass, add ingredients and stir. add ice, stir again and cheers…

cancer’s clutches feel good – jasmine spritzer

Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:48:52 +0000

jasmine’s smell is famously intoxicating… the thickness of it practically drips off of its petals when you walk by… it’s heavy, it’s moist, and it draws you in… encouraging you to shove that schnoz right up there to get a better whif… mission accomplished: just want cancer girl wanted…

like the evocative flower itself, cancer wants nothing more than to ensnare her mate. the sign of the homebody, the mother, and the always nurturing lover, she uses her seductive powers to lure her helpless victims in. they usually don’t know what hits em until it’s too late—they’re in love. for you see, cancer girl’s nest is so sublimely feathered, it would be a shame for her to sit in it all alone.

CANCER’S CLUTCHES (JASMINE SPRITZER)

(makes 10 drinks)
1 1/2 c raw organic sugar
3 drops jasmine essential oil
1/2 c fresh lime juice
1 1/2 c orange infused vodka (Orange V)
1 1/2 c grand marnier (or an orange flavored spirit)
club soda
ice

combine in pitcher, water, sugar, jasmine and lime until dissolved. add vodka, orange liqueur and stir well. pack glass with ice and fill halfway with mixture, then top with seltzer and stir.

VIA FOOD & WINE ANNUAL 2006

stain of passion – liquid cake for cancer

Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 01:39:42 +0000

the sign of cancer is the ultimate condom. they withhold, contain, and almost explode with that which they carry inside. sometimes, cancer’s inability to successfully eliminate these emotions cause illness. i know many cancers whose worrisome nature has left them with disease ranging from sore tummies to much, much worse (this includes cancer ascending or cancer moon sign as well – not just cancer sun signs). for inside this creature’s wall of armor lay a fragile, tender, raw, pulsating field of prickly feeling. and as a cold-hearted capricorn attracted to my opposite, that’s why i love them so very much. i don’t want you to be sick anymore cancer girl! take off that condom, and let it all hang out… it’s actually much safer this way.

i have waited 8 months for passion fruit to be available at my local grocer. finally, i can make that recipe i saw in the times way back on. hard on the outside and soft on the inside, the moon rules this astoundingly flavorful fruit. passion fruit is a cancer. so potent, a little juice goes a long way… but i think if i let my passion fruits get wrinklier, i would have gotten more juice out of em.

speaking of warm PASSIONATE climates, check out these new ECO CONDOMS from the brasilian rainforest!

STAIN OF PASSION (LIQUID CAKE)

passion fruit (recipe calls for one. i prefer to use 5)
1/4 c organic vanilla ice cream or organic soy cream (make sure it’s organic to avoid tumor-causing GMOs)
1/2 c mango sorbet
1/4 c vodka (i used gin)
1 c brut champagne
2 butter cookies, crumbled

halve passion fruit and push pulp through sieve, extracting juice. discard seeds and pulp.

in a bowl, combine ice cream and sorbet. pour in vodka and whisk lightly. stir in passion fruit juice and then fold in champagne.

sprinkle cookies evenly among two glasses and top with vodka mixture. serve immediately.

recipe adapted from frederick grasser-herme. VIA NEW YORK TIMES

thanks to THE WELL SEASONED COOK for hosting WEEKEND HERB BLOGGING.



cancer girl loves breakfast in bed
Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:08:19 +0000

this tasty tipple is a cancerian delight. first of all, it’s to be had in bed. and cancer loves her bed. romping and rolling, sleeping or eating.. she just can’t get enough of that mattress – she’s the zodiac’s dirty little housewife and major MILF. secondly, it contains alcohol. nuff said. cancer girl’s a drunk gurl. thirdly, the ovo is ruled by the moon, which would mean that it too, is a crab. the egg’s round shape, largely white hue, hard shell and soft insides, all indicate the moon is at play here. but most of all, the egg exemplifies femininity… the moon is utterly female in nature. all cancer girls are seriously hot women, hear them roar. so, why eat breakfast in bed, when you can drink it instead?
BREAKFAST IN BED (EARLY RISER)
3 oz rum

1 oz maple syrup

4 oz fresh squeezed orange juice

1/2 organic free-range egg white

optional garnish: confectionary sugar with strawberry

***yields breakfast for two
add rum, maple syrup, orange juice, egg to ice filled shaker and shake vigorously for ten seconds. prepare cocktail glass by slitting strawberry and running around rim and then rolling in confectionary sugar. pour drink into glass and garnish with the strawberry. (recipe by gwen)



a tipple for cancer’s stocking – chocopumpkintini
Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:26:02 +0000
the pumpkin is ruled by cancer. it’s hard exterior and sloppy insides are tres typical of most cancerian produce and all members of the family cucurbitaceae, which includes cucumbers, melons, squash, and gourds. and speaking of produce, the moon is responsible for producing chicks that are way cool, a tad aloof and bit rough around the edges – all a feminine kinda way. like a sparkling and priceless diamond hidden deep within the lump of humble homely coal. this is one lump of coal you’d be lucky to get in your stocking! but only a select few ever get the chance to behold the diamond; most get stuck looking at coal – and if they’re very naughty, getting painfully pinched by her witty wicked words. oh yes, cancer’s the queen of slap downs. don’t dare step out of her dainty little line, i can attest to that! so you see, it’s worth your while to get into cancer’s stockings… she’s a lovely sap, just like those slimy seeds within her brethren fruit, the pumpkin.
CANCER’S STOCKING (CHOCOPUMPKINTINI)

1 oz vodka

3/4 oz godiva chocolate liqueur

2 tbs pumpkin butter

1 oz cream or soy creamer
shake all ingredients with ice for ten seconds and pour into chilled glass.
(recipe created by gwen sutherland kaiser)



love me long – cucumber lychee sake
Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 15:12:07 +0000


it won’t take $20, just a few of these asian-inspired cocktails for cancer to love you long time. the crab loves being in a relationship. she’s rarely single, and thrives in a home setting. she is the zodiacal housekeeper and all though she might be hiding the bottle under the sink, you can be sure she’s hittin it. 
the moon rules cancer and all plants cool and wet in nature, like the cucumber. be it a soothing eye mask or a refreshing libation, partaking in either will leave you feeling as cool as a cucumber. 

LOVE ME LONG TIME:
3 slices of cucumber

1/4 oz fresh lemon juice

1 oz lychee juice (from can)

2 lychees

1 1/2 oz prosecco
muddle cucumber & lychees in bottom of glass. add lemon and lychee juice. shake and shake in ice filled shaker (you can also stir the drink extremely well, in lieu  of shaking). strain into champagne flute, top with prosecco and drop a lychee fruit into the bottom of the drink for a pleasant surprise. garnish with cancer’s cucumber.
(recipe created by gwen sutherland kaiser)
thanks to THE EXPATRIATE’S KITCHEN for hosting WEEKEND HERB BLOGGING #108.




white light – cancer and the moon
Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 02:27:35 +0000


Like the guarded secret behind this crustacean’s famous shell, the aloe vera plant also contains within, a huge pile of sloppy goo. One would never know from the hard, jagged and pointed facade it shows the world, but the innards of aloe vera are soft, cool and soothing – as I remember all too well from those days spent baking in the sun (damn sunspots). Back then, aloe vera gel was my best friend, right behind the tin foil.

Cancer is the sign of containment, and like the the leak-proof, watertight container in which you mix your simple syrup, cancer tends to hold everything inside. when the moon is so full it looks as if it will burst with light, so does the intensity of withheld emotion becomes too much for Her to contain – and that’s where the term crabby came fom. the best way to sooth an ornery crab is to send her white light. if that doesn’t work, try mixing her one instead:
WHITE LIGHT:
6 oz sake

3 oz aloe vera juice

1/2 oz Tanqueray Rangpur Gin

1/4 oz fresh squeezed lime juice

garnish with Zuccini slice (zuccini is a cancerian veggie)
pour ingredients over ice and stir. garnish with a slice of zuccini – another cooling vegetable of the moon.
(recipe created by gwen sutherland kaiser)
***if you only have the sake and aloe, those two are quite good together on ice alone.



Cancer Cocktail: Ms. Lychee Lovely
Gwen-Intoxicated Zodiac — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:04:19 +0000


If you’ve had the pleasure of knowing a Cancer, you’re familiar with their hard shelled exterior and sweet, gooey inside. Hyper sensitive, they’ll flinch at the most unexpected (and inconvenient) times. Sort of like walking on something else that has a hard outside and soft inside. Oh yeah-egg shells. Adored for their childlike hearts and sensitive natures… if you can make it through the self-inflicted mood swings, this lovely lady is well worth knowing. Which brings me to our fruit at hand, the Lychee. Ruled by the Moon, it’s soft, white flesh illustrates it’s pale Lunar qualities. Though you wouldn’t guess it from it’s scraggly branches and plain shell. Is it the Lychee’s intoxicating aroma or delectable taste which makes it so wonderful? Dear Cancer, I advice combining the senses and taking a good whiff whilst inhaling this cocktail to enjoy a multi-faceted libational journey. I’m sure you have no qualms with inhaling cocktails, do you now? Delicate and ladylike Cancer could easily inhale five LYCHEE LOVELYS in five minutes!

INGREDIENTS:

- 3 oz freshly extracted pear nectar (the sweeter the pear, the less  ginger syrup is needed. I’ve found Bosc to be quite good.)

- 2 oz lychee infused gin*

- 1 oz ginger syrup*

- 1/2 oz fresh lemon juice
DIRECTIONS:

Add lychee gin, ginger syrup, pear and lemon juice to ice filled shaker and shake vigorously for ten seconds. Pour into martini glass (chilled is nice) and garnish with slice of pear.
*LYCHEE INFUSED GIN:

In the absence of fresh lychees, place one can of lychees (without the juice) and 750 ml gin into an airtight container in a dark spot for one month. strain into final storage container (such as the original gin bottle) for future use.
*GINGER SYRUP:

Combine in sauce pot: one cup sugar, one cup water and two thumbs of freshly chopped ginger. Bring to boil and allow to simmer for twenty minutes. To chill quickly, place pot in ice bath; or wait until mixture cools by itself. Pour (using a funnel is helpful) into final storage container, adding approx 1 oz vodka as a preservative.
(Recipe created by Gwen Sutherland Kaiser)
ALSO TRY: Lychee Coconut Cupcakes