once upon a time, it seems like an eternity ago now, i was mixing a drink. or, i was attempting to mix a drink anyway. i had lemon juice, green apple schnapps, peach puree, maraschino syrup, and i hate to think what other stains stuck to my front. from my fingers to my elbows my skin felt like fly paper–someone must have dipped me in a vat of simple syrup when i wasn’t looking. the jigger kept jumping out of my hand and i’m lucky the mixing glass didn’t end up in my customer’s eye. what a night to be butter fingers… the bar manager was breathing down my neck, the world was closing in, i was praying the drawer would be right, and… and then i was called a hot mess. suddenly, everything was awesome. because hey, if i’m gonna be a mess, then i’ll take the hot part too. i was a hot mess and i kinda liked it.

which brings us to the cantaloupe… this yummy fruit is ruled by the moon and is hence a cancer. if any fruit is a hot mess, it must be the innards of a over ripe melon… juicy, goopy, sweet, fragrant, wet, dripping, tantalizing, delicious… does this sound like any of the cancer’s you’ve known?

this cancerian libation was created at my last bachelorette party. it was the end of the night and we were winding down from my astro-bar cheffing lesson… i suddenly remembered that we had not used pisco in any of our concoctions thus far. heaven forbid, pisco is one of my faves! i immediately set to rectifying that by creating a drink on the spot. i threw in some lemon cooking oil, muddled a few leaves of basil, a few chunks of melon, and shook that baby up. i thought it might very well taste like crap. i poured all the girls a sample and waited for their reaction… luckily, it was positive. their faces lit up with surprise, a lot of mmnnns all around, and then someone called that drink a hot mess! everyone chimed in that this was indeed the perfect name for such an unwieldy yet successful bevvie. and the HOT MESS was born…

HOT MESS:
1 1/2 oz pisco
handful of melon chunks
3-5 leaves basil
dash lemon cooking oil
1/2 oz raw simple syrup
1/2 oz fresh lemon juice

muddle basil, melon. add other ingredients. shake over ice. double strain as per below into glass. enjoy!

so… CROP organic vodka sent me this bottle of cucumber infused vodka. and it was good. i mixed it in a cocktail with clear citrus, simple syrup and mashed strawberries. it then became spectacular. i don’t know what it is about cucumbers and strawberries, but my oh my they do get along well together. CROP is sold all over new york city, but if you can’t find it, infuse your own. just slice some cucumbers up and submerge them in vodka. squeeze in as much cucumber as you can and give it a few weeks to infuse. then strain and use in this delicious cocktail.

cucumbers are ruled by the moon… which is the ruling planet of cancer. hard skinned outside, runny, liquidity, seedy, slimy, tasty inside. cancer!

so little cancer, WICKED LITTLE CANCER… you’re just so innocent aren’t you? NOT. so quiet. YEAH RIGHT. so polite and reserved and well spoken. ON THE SURFACE MAYBE. but get to know this thick shelled creature and be warned that the inner—AND REAL— cancer can pop up out of her shell at anytime to bite your head off. or that high maintenance customer’s head, or that annoying sister’s head, or that pompous bosses’ head. or that lazy boyfriend’s head. or that idiot clerk’s head… well you catch my drift and that is, that cancers don’t take crap. and unless i’m on the receiving end, i love em for it! so to all you spicy crustaceous gals out there… have a ‘tini, you deserve it.

FARMER’S MARKETINI

2 oz cucumber vodka
1 oz fresh squeezed lemon
1 1/2 oz simple syrup (1:1 ration water to sugar)
2 strawberries

muddle strawberries in glass, add ingredients and stir. add ice, stir again and cheers…

jasmine’s smell is famously intoxicating… the thickness of it practically drips off of its petals when you walk by… it’s heavy, it’s moist, and it draws you in… encouraging you to shove that schnoz right up there to get a better whif… mission accomplished: just want cancer girl wanted…

like the evocative flower itself, cancer wants nothing more than to ensnare her mate. the sign of the homebody, the mother, and the always nurturing lover, she uses her seductive powers to lure her helpless victims in. they usually don’t know what hits em until it’s too late—they’re in love. for you see, cancer girl’s nest is so sublimely feathered, it would be a shame for her to sit in it all alone.

CANCER’S CLUTCHES (JASMINE SPRITZER)

(makes 10 drinks)
1 1/2 c raw organic sugar
3 drops jasmine essential oil
1/2 c fresh lime juice
1 1/2 c orange infused vodka (Orange V)
1 1/2 c grand marnier (or an orange flavored spirit)
club soda
ice

combine in pitcher, water, sugar, jasmine and lime until dissolved. add vodka, orange liqueur and stir well. pack glass with ice and fill halfway with mixture, then top with seltzer and stir.

VIA FOOD & WINE ANNUAL 2006

the sign of cancer is the ultimate condom. they withhold, contain, and almost explode with that which they carry inside. sometimes, cancer’s inability to successfully eliminate these emotions cause illness. i know many cancers whose worrisome nature has left them with disease ranging from sore tummies to much, much worse (this includes cancer ascending or cancer moon sign as well – not just cancer sun signs). for inside this creature’s wall of armor lay a fragile, tender, raw, pulsating field of prickly feeling. and as a cold-hearted capricorn attracted to my opposite, that’s why i love them so very much. i don’t want you to be sick anymore cancer girl! take off that condom, and let it all hang out… it’s actually much safer this way.

i have waited 8 months for passion fruit to be available at my local grocer. finally, i can make that recipe i saw in the times way back on. hard on the outside and soft on the inside, the moon rules this astoundingly flavorful fruit. passion fruit is a cancer. so potent, a little juice goes a long way… but i think if i let my passion fruits get wrinklier, i would have gotten more juice out of em.

speaking of warm PASSIONATE climates, check out these new ECO CONDOMS from the brasilian rainforest!

STAIN OF PASSION (LIQUID CAKE)

passion fruit (recipe calls for one. i prefer to use 5)
1/4 c organic vanilla ice cream or organic soy cream (make sure it’s organic to avoid tumor-causing GMOs)
1/2 c mango sorbet
1/4 c vodka (i used gin)
1 c brut champagne
2 butter cookies, crumbled

halve passion fruit and push pulp through sieve, extracting juice. discard seeds and pulp.

in a bowl, combine ice cream and sorbet. pour in vodka and whisk lightly. stir in passion fruit juice and then fold in champagne.

sprinkle cookies evenly among two glasses and top with vodka mixture. serve immediately.

recipe adapted from frederick grasser-herme. VIA NEW YORK TIMES

thanks to THE WELL SEASONED COOK for hosting WEEKEND HERB BLOGGING.