once upon a time, it seems like an eternity ago now, i was mixing a drink. or, i was attempting to mix a drink anyway. i had lemon juice, green apple schnapps, peach puree, maraschino syrup, and i hate to think what other stains stuck to my front. from my fingers to my elbows my skin felt like fly paper–someone must have dipped me in a vat of simple syrup when i wasn’t looking. the jigger kept jumping out of my hand and i’m lucky the mixing glass didn’t end up in my customer’s eye. what a night to be butter fingers… the bar manager was breathing down my neck, the world was closing in, i was praying the drawer would be right, and… and then i was called a hot mess. suddenly, everything was awesome. because hey, if i’m gonna be a mess, then i’ll take the hot part too. i was a hot mess and i kinda liked it.

which brings us to the cantaloupe… this yummy fruit is ruled by the moon and is hence a cancer. if any fruit is a hot mess, it must be the innards of a over ripe melon… juicy, goopy, sweet, fragrant, wet, dripping, tantalizing, delicious… does this sound like any of the cancer’s you’ve known?

this cancerian libation was created at my last bachelorette party. it was the end of the night and we were winding down from my astro-bar cheffing lesson… i suddenly remembered that we had not used pisco in any of our concoctions thus far. heaven forbid, pisco is one of my faves! i immediately set to rectifying that by creating a drink on the spot. i threw in some lemon cooking oil, muddled a few leaves of basil, a few chunks of melon, and shook that baby up. i thought it might very well taste like crap. i poured all the girls a sample and waited for their reaction… luckily, it was positive. their faces lit up with surprise, a lot of mmnnns all around, and then someone called that drink a hot mess! everyone chimed in that this was indeed the perfect name for such an unwieldy yet successful bevvie. and the HOT MESS was born…

HOT MESS:
1 1/2 oz pisco
handful of melon chunks
3-5 leaves basil
dash lemon cooking oil
1/2 oz raw simple syrup
1/2 oz fresh lemon juice

muddle basil, melon. add other ingredients. shake over ice. double strain as per below into glass. enjoy!

THE PENIS IS RULED BY SCORPIO, MASTER OF ALL THINGS SEX. hold an intoxicated zodiac bachelorette party and have a fun, sexy, creative, naughty and memorable night!

to get the party started everyone gets a gift bag containing coasters, a shot glass in their zodiac sign (for tasting gwen’s cocktails), and an infusion jar to create their own love potion that night. check out the cute tag on the jar below:

the theme of the party was scorpio’s penis pepper. long and hard, bloody shade of red, spicy yet salty, J/K, just spicy ; )

any way you slice it (ouch, sorry boys) the chili pepper is ruled by mars, scorpio’s ancient ruler now considered co-ruled by pluto.

i demonstrate how to make culinary cocktails, based on the premise of medieval astrology where plants have signs like people. we use flower waters, jam, infused liquor, oil, and all sorts of unusual ingredients for each creation.

everyone gets a baroscope shot glass in their own zodiac sign to taste the cocktails. it’s a pretty intense hour and a half mixing pisco, cacacha, vodka, gin, tequila, rum… best done on a full stomach-eat before you come.

here i am… kvetching on cocktails.

i was watching the nature channel the other day and two scorpions were getting it on. those sick bugs stung each other. with real venom. a sting too much could have killed the other one, but that’s their idea of foreplay. just a side note here that scorpios can tend towards zodiacal sadism.

this is one proud mother. just look at that infusion… i believe it contained dried hibiscus petals, fresh ginger, mexican chocolate and fresh picked nasturtium flowers. funnily, joyce is a cancer, the mothering sign. what a mix, i’d love to taste that.

how 50′s pin up this? the bride, sarah, a scorpio herself! can you tell?

what bachelorette party is complete without the official penis martini glass? good to the last drop… mmnnn….

thanks to my friend and palmreader, miss. joyce another scorpio, for helping out.

say dicktini for the camera!

thanks to amanda aries, sarah scorpio, colleen scorpio, courtney cancer, joyce cancer for being such fun students. cheers to the groom bradley (capricorn), who found his match made in heaven. cappie and scorpio are two sexual powerhouses with stamina galore. their sex will indeed be hot until death do them part.

hold an intoxicated zodiac bachelorette party!