well they say rome wasn’t built in a day. apparently the intoxicated zodiac web store wasn’t either. at long last, the COLORED WOOD MUDDLER is available for purchase. along with Sandra’s special TOOTH SPA products too. and for the first time, you can pre-order the PLASTIC IS NOT A CELESTIAL BODY ORGANIC JUTE TOTE, shipping mid-january. (lucky capricorns, your bag is shipping now)

this particular item took six ridiculous months to develop! reason being, it’s made by rescued sex workers in nepal. and the peeps that rescued them are christian missionaries. little did i know, christian missionaries don’t believe in the the astrology or drinking! so after i imported 500 bags i had to find someone to print the design that they felt it was against their beliefs to print. easier said than than done. after revising the art like twenty times we finally came up with something that would work. and then it smoked so awfully going through the ovens to bake the ink, we had to print them after business hours for fear of being reported to the fire company. hence, this run is definitely a limited edition, get em while they last. about the tote… it’s so huge, you can sleep in it. i carried mine into walmart the other day and the manager pointed to me exitedly and exclaimed, look, that woman’s saving the world! that was kinda funny. oh, why was i in walmart? i was recycling my plastic bags at one of the few stores to offer that service. but seriously, you can’t get a cooler reusable tote than this. it’s helping abducted nepalese women who’ve been forced into prostitution get their lives back; it’s 100% organic & vegan; as with every IZ purchase, a small portion goes to NAVS to help in the fight against animal cruelty; and and if i say so myself… it’s cool as hell looking.

next up from intoxicated zodiac - look for astrology cocktail candles…

i so SO S. O. want one of these!!!! but they are soooo expensive. 1600 USD will get you a custom outfitted airplane bar trolley, rescued from a real live airplane. your choice of silhouette, pattern and compartments, it is the chicest recycling project yet. and the very creative among us can submit their own artwork for that ultra custom look. though i don’t think you have to worry too much about the neighbor having the same one… perfect for an airstream charon …VIA MET HOME

merry christmas everyone! check out some of the goodies i received from santa… yes, i know, shamefully materialistic.

this is the CYCLONE COCKTAIL SHAKER. how cool! it’s acrylic and stainless steel and runs off two triple a batteries. no more shaking vigorously for at least ten seconds… all though these days that’s the only exercise i get… BAD GIRL gwen! just dump the ingredients and press on. dont’ leave on for too long because it will actually heat the beverage from the sheer energy. (bed bath & beyond) thanks bryan : )

next up are some HANDMADE COASTERS… made out of a rescued tile en route to the dumpster. one tile was cut up into nine coasters, ground down around the edges, and then sis’ pasted velour on the bottom. this IS recycling at it’s best!

then we have a beautiful HAND QUILTED APRON from mom… perfect for bar cheffing.

and lastly but not leastly, my niece katrina looks like a future bartender, no?

the pumpkin is ruled by cancer. it’s hard exterior and sloppy insides are tres typical of most cancerian produce and all members of the family cucurbitaceae, which includes cucumbers, melons, squash, and gourds. and speaking of produce, the moon is responsible for producing chicks that are way cool, a tad aloof and bit rough around the edges - all a feminine kinda way. like a sparkling and priceless diamond hidden deep within the lump of humble homely coal. this is one lump of coal you’d be lucky to get in your stocking! but only a select few ever get the chance to behold the diamond; most get stuck looking at coal - and if they’re very naughty, getting painfully pinched by her witty wicked words. oh yes, cancer’s the queen of slap downs. don’t dare step out of her dainty little line, i can attest to that! so you see, it’s worth your while to get into cancer’s stockings… she’s a lovely sap, just like those slimy seeds within her brethren fruit, the pumpkin.

CANCER’S STOCKING (CHOCOPUMPKINTINI)
1 oz vodka
3/4 oz godiva chocolate liqueur
2 tbs pumpkin butter
1 oz cream or soy creamer

shake all ingredients with ice for ten seconds and pour into chilled glass.

(recipe created by gwen sutherland kaiser)

tonight marks the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. i know that everything has a purpose, but i for one hate winter. no purpose can be worth the punishing cold and cruel darkness that penetrates this time of year. if it weren’t for the inexplicably awesome city of new york, i would be so gone. california, belize - hell, north carolina would be better than this for christ’s sake. but i can’t leave my big apple, even though it can be a rather a rotten one on those bitter frozen days. with the highest suicide rates in the northern hemisphere, this time of year is hard for everyone - plants, animals and people. but rejoice little robins - keep those peckers up! spring is only 90 days away and each one gets a little closer to 90°. so pour yourself a stiff one and read all about the metaphysical side of the winter solstice, compliments of the spirit, hilarion. cheers…

is it me or are cocktail competitions all the rage right now? here’s another one and it’s a goodie. sponsored by our magazine god, IMBIBE, and italy’s number one selling spirit: AVERNA, founded in 1854. italy is the most beautiful country i have ever visited, and i hear that sicily is the most beautiful part of italy. (not quite sure how anything could top Cinque Terra though.) even though my trip was over a decade ago, i’ll never forget it’s amazing shopping, plentiful museums, sinful food, top notch wines, coffee to die for, bad pizza with no cheese, beautiful women with mopeds, and overly persistent men. not in any particular order. i don’t remember AMARO - too busy guzzling wine i guess. boy did i miss out… this little known spirit in the US, is really tasty. not too sweet, not too bitter. not too harsh, very smooth and quite pleasant. it’s good stuff! if you’re unfamiliar with AVERNA (a brand of AMARO,) read this here. craig camp wrote an excellent post in which he professes his undying love for AVERNA. also, TEA LEAVES offers a good read on the subject as well. for recipe inspiration, check out some cocktails from MOTAC & BOSTON COCKTAILS and get to work! deadline is march 1st.
enter the AVERNA COCKTAIL CONTEST

well fear not, help is here. in the form of the ever faithful farmers’ almanac. i’m always running into people that tell me they were born on the cusp. well, that’s highly unlikely as it is a rarity to actually be born in the few hours in which the sun moves from one constellation to the next. and to make matters more confusing, that particular date changes from year to year. some astrologers believe that being born near this period will imbue on the individual, traits from both signs. personally, i’m not a fan of this theory. (by the way, due to the complexity of our natal charts, we each have some of every sign in all of us!) that i’m aware of, there are three ways to find out if you were truly born on the cusp, or just near the cusp.
***keep in mind that you need to know your exact time and location of birth to proceed with any of these. if you do not have this information, call the town hall in the town where you were born and explain that you are looking for a birth certificate that contains your birth time. NOTE: if you simply request one from the state (new york, anyway,) or use an internet service, you will often times be sent a birth certificate that lacks this important information! unbelievably, it will list only your birth date. it is worth your time and energy to make a few phone calls and get the right information. usually you’ll need to write a notarized letter and send a small check… but it’s worth it - after all, it’s all about you!

1. refer to the farmers’ almanac for the year you were born. the page above is straight out of this year’s almanac. it couldn’t be easier to read! there are two ways that i know of to get an old farmers’ almanac. one is to go to your library. not many will archive this information. in new york, only the state capital library contains it. the second way is to buy it online from ebay or a plethora of other sites. just google your birth year + farmers’ almanac. surprisingly, old issues are pretty inexpensive.

2. contact a good astrologer and have your chart professionally done. i recommend molly claiborne; or ask ELSA.

3. lastly, learn to read an ephemeris, which is daily list of planetary movements. this of course, requires a crash course in astrology.

so there we are… once and for all, the cusp baby dilemma… resolved! (special thanks to my niece gia for being a good little gemini. what an oxymoron : )

the runways have dictated that we must embrace origami style folds in our clothing this season. of course, the designers may tell us what to wear, but and it’s ultimately the consumer who has the final word on what trends will fly and what won’t. personally, i dig the origami folded fabric and pleated look… it’s funky and cool and kinda futuristic looking. but what to drink out of when you’re wearing your new christian dior folded dress? well an equally folded martini glass of course, to make totally sure you’re origami chic. actually, it might be easier to sew the dress than to follow these directions, but some people just have a genius for folding paper. i once knew a hard core origamist and what can be made out of a piece of paper, or two, without the use of scissors, glue or tape is simply astounding. and not for a brain like mine. good luck paper imbibers, may the fold be with you…
SEE INSTRUCTIONS, thanks to creator STEVE HECHT.

(photo: ALEX MAGAZINE)

complicated gemini, the sign of the multi tasking twins, is frequently found in two places at once. defying the laws of physics, she somehow squeezes in time to go to the gym, have dinner with her best friend, and go on a date, all around the same time, and all after a hectic day at the office. oh yes, her filofax would make the rest of our collective heads spin. and for this constellation whirlwind i bring you the over-complicated CHOCAMOLE. procuring the ingredients for this interesting libation had me running around like a gemini. and the taste… it’s interesting flavor, like gemini, is neither here nor there. peanut, chocolate, cumin… which is it? like, where is gemini? she was just here a minute ago! one of the multitude of ingredients included in this concoction is CUMIN, ruled by mercury. an airy and feathery-leaved plant with delicate white flowers, it belongs to the light-footed and speedy planet. CUMIN is a mercurial herb and is owned by gemini.

CHOCAMOLE

1 1/2 oz. Partida Reposado tequila
1 oz. Chocolate “molé” mixture (Recipe to Follow)
1/2 oz. agave nectar
1 dash Regan’s Orange bitters (or FEE BROTHERS BLOOD ORANGE which i used)

In a mixing glass full of ice, add all ingredients. Shake, as if being chased by seven demons, for ten seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish at will.

CHOCOLATE MOLE

Recipe will yield approx. sixteen servings

2 oz. high quality semisweet chocolate (buy pure cocao, uncut with any dairy for the healthiest chocolate. yes, i did say healthy)
5 tablespoons peanut butter (non-hydrogenated, as our bodies cannot break down hydrogenated ingredients. hence they sit in our bodies fer like evuh.)
2 cups water
1/2 cup whole milk (i used almond milk which worked fine. it’s the healthiest choice around. milk is just bad. if you must drink it, at least drink organic so you don’t ingest obscene amounts of hormones. soy is questionable. almond milk is the way to go!)
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. ground cumin
1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1 tsp. whole black peppercorns
1 tsp. dried ground guajillo chile, or similar

Bring two cups of water to a boil in a medium saucepan. Reduce heat to medium and add peanut butter and milk. Whisk until smooth. Add spices and let simmer until mixture thickens to the consistency of a light batter. While hot, pass through a fine strainer, using the back of a ladle to push mixture through. Immediately add chocolate and stir to melt. Let “molé” cool to room temp. before using. (Recipe created by Tad Carducci )

photo UNI-GRAZ

the sign of the drunken hunter is presently enjoying her birthday by eating one too many slices of her huge and decadently rich birthday cake. sagg will do everything big, just like her planet. jupiter is the largest planet in our solar system, and is known for its larger than life qualities. miracles, for one. luck for another. and expanding oneself in all areas including mentally (through existential study) or physically (through say, drink). let’s talk about our has-been sagg of the moment, ms. spears. she’s pushing the limit like her sign says she should. the party hunting centaur is known for getting out there and having a blast, staying past last call, moving on to an after-hours party, and then going out to breakfast before crashing really really hard. and if there’s drugs involved (which is not so uncommon with this mind-expanding sign) make that two solid nights and days of partying before she finally hits the sack. sagg girls just wanna have fun. all this said, numerology can explain one’s life in the same way that astrology does. kind of like all religions essentially saying the same thing. in NEWMEROLOGY, nick newmont predicted, that like gary coleman who shares the same life path numbers, britney’s career would be over as quickly as it had begun. i think we can all agree this is exactly how things have gone down. nick made this prediction in 2003 when his book was published - which BTW i totally recommend for anyone remotely curious about numerology. if you’re not the bookworm type, i suggest a satisfying quickie from NUMEROLOGIST.COM. my profile was stunningly accurate. and if you’re the visual type, catch nick’s celebrity predictions for 2008 on E! starting dec. 24th.

photo: CON’S STANCE