(Photo credit Howard Berman)

OWNER ALCOHOLIC
OWNER ALLERGIC
OWNER RELOCATED
OWNER PASSED AWAY
OWNER HOMELESS
OWNER BORED
OWNER CAN NO LONGER AFFORD

I’ve been on the pet rescue circuit for many years, and have heard them all – even from my own sister. Excuses, for unloading a pet, once considered a family member. Homeless pets are the result of unfortunate circumstance through no fault of their own. They are guilty of only one thing: wanting a place to call home. Personally, every pet i’ve ever owned has been a rescue. My supermodel cat, Holly, actually was taken from an alcoholic. Nice enough guy, but wouldn’t spay his cats. So I did it – and grabbed all the kittens. Now my sister (different one), on the other hand, insists on buying her pets from pet stores. The last three have been bow-legged, retarded and deaf, in that order. It sounds funny, but it’s not – it’s true. Meanwhile, the compliments i get on my Siberian Husky, La Femme Nikita, are uncanny. I cannot leave the house without getting some comment on her looks, manners, personality, hair cut, collar, owner (ha-ha), whatever. “Really, SHE is a rescue? No!” Insinuating that rescued pets are damaged goods, which they are so not. We need to spread the word peeps: Sheltered pets are A-OK!

Join animal rights advocate, Bernadette Peters, next Monday, August 6th in Union Square Park (NYC). Bernadette is the most compassionate of all the signs, a Pisces, FYI! A 10am Press conference will unveil the new CACC ad campaign, to be followed with adoptions and giveaways until 2pm. This is a great chance to adopt a furry love muffin, or two, or three, if you haven’t all ready.

The plentiful blueberry is ruled by the abundant planet of Jupiter. Today, as i crouched on my knees for what seemed like an eternity, this was quite apparent. Hundreds and hundreds of little blue balls, begging to be picked before they fell to the ground, spent. That is why, my friends, the expansive and benefic plant of Jupiter rules over the prolific blueberry. 1 1/2 hours of toil got me the bowlful below. Phwew, talk about hard work. All worth it though, as I sip my BLUE BALLS -N- SAGE, and revel in the healthyness. blueberries are a diuretic, loaded with flavonoids and caretenoids. Say no to colon cancer, drink a lot of BLUE BALLS -N- SAGE. A recent study found them to cut the risk of such by 57%. Unfortunetly, it was an animal study, which in no way, shape or form does I.Z. approve of. But none the less, these little blue balls are healthy, which is more than I can say for the other type of blue balls.

BLUE BALLS -N- SAGE:

15 – 20 sage leaves
1/4 cup sugar (organic is great)
1/2 cup fresh blueberries (frozen will work)
1 1/2 oz tequila (partido is great)
1 oz fresh lemon juice (lime is fine)

In food processor, puree sage and sugar until leaves are ground up. Add blueberries and puree until almost smooth. Add mixture to blender, along with 2 cups crushed ice, tequila and lemon juice. Garnish with blueberries. (Recipe created by Gwen Sutherland Kaiser)

Tri-colored sage in my container garden (not the pink leaves).

rub yourself in blue balls

Well I’ve heard it all. Gourmet frickin ice cubes for the cocktailian purest. You wouldn’t want tap water cubes tainting your chivas, would you? ICEROCKS, made from low mineral water imported from the Vendée Region of France, are here. Oh but the packaging is “recyclable” so don’t feel all guilty thinkin about the FOOD MILES incurred with this little purchase. NOT. leave it to the French to create the most ridiculously decadent product yet.

via daily candy

Well, the results are in! A proactive reader left a challenging comment
last week, and we here at IZ stepped right up.

Our friendly witch told us that she took the recipe from an old spellcasting book, The Modern Herbal Spellbook by Anna Riva. But she hadn’t tested it out just yet, as she didn’t need to (well, aren’t we lucky)?! But her curiosity got the best of her and she asked if we could give the recipe a test run. Alcohol, sex… hmnn… yeah, i think we can try that one out for ya.

The recipe calls for gin, so what better time to serve the sinfully smooth new gin, G-VINE? Distilled from a grape spirit and rare green grape flowers, the G is for G-spot.

Two out of the three couples who tested the VOODOO LOVE POTION were pleased with the lustful and overly amorous results. Could it have been the extremely high content of alcohol? Or the G-spot inducing G-vine gin? Or perhaps, the VOODOO LOVE POTION itself? Calling all lovers: give it a shot and post your results here.

VOODOO LOVE POTION

1 oz Vodka
1 oz Gin (G-Vine)
1 oz white Creme de Cacao
Sprig of fresh mint

Place mint in tall glass with creme de cacao and muddle until the mixture tastes minty. Add ice and pour vodka and gin over it. Stir and serve to the one you lust for.

Capricorn will pass us all on the road of life. Her’s is a classic tale of tortoise and hare, she being the tortoise. Aries, for one, being the hare. Slow and steady is her mantra. One foot at a time up the steep mountain of life, until she finally reaches the top, just in time to drop dead.

what i’m saying here is don’t count this girl out the race just yet. don’t throw her away before she’s done. there’s always more to capricorn than meets the eye, for the goat-fish is arguably the most complex sign of the zodiac. sorry to steal your thunder scorpio! so she looks conservative. she acts uptight. she seems boring. you think you’ve got her figured out, when you haven’t unwrapped even one full layer yet. men beware—if you let this one in, you’re beggin’ for a beatin’. and the fact that you’re gonna like it scares the shit out of you.

so let’s talk about sex, i mean molasses, and the dregs of sugar cane that it is. discarded as a by-product, molasses is the almost black, densely thick, mildly bitter sweet syrup that comes from using every part of the plant. this fact is true to capricorn’s very nature of utilizing every tool at her disposal, no matter how seemingly insignificant! “waste not, want not” was surely coined by the goat-girl. this is why my friends, molasses is ruled by saturn and is a capricorn.

BLACK MAGIC

INGREDIENTS:
Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice
Fennel-Infused Vodka*
Espresso
Mollasses Syrup*

INSTRUCTIONS:
Add 2 oz fennel vodka, 2 oz espresso, 2 oz mollasses syrup, 1 oz orange juice, into ice-filled shaker. Shake and strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with oversized orange twist.

*Mollasses Syrup: Simmer one cup mollasses, one cup water until dissolved. Add splash vodka and Store in fridge.

*Vodka Fennel Infusion: Add three cups chopped fennel bulb or leaves leaves to 750 ml bottle of vodka. Allow to sit in dark place for 3 weeks. Strain into final storage container. In lieu of fresh fennel, try using dried fennel seeds. (Recipe created by Gwen Sutherland Kaiser)

Tell Starbucks to go organic
See Black Gold, the Movie
Visit CAPRICORN COFFEES
Visit Solar Roast Coffee
Love Your Sugar Goat

The COLDPOLE is my latest discovery in a slew of ingeniously concealed flasks. A hot product category, no? it’s actually been around a few years, which is good – if you don’t trust THE LIQUOR SNOB you can see what CONSUMER REPORTS has to say about it.

COLDPOLE bills itself as the world’s finest liquid reservoir ski pole. And the best is, they actually state on their site, that non-alcoholic beverages are NOT recommended!

Now you can have your beer, and drink it too. perfect for the guzzler on the go, FAMOUS GALLERY has invented the long overdue BEER HOLSTER. Sucks for me it’s made with leather, but in this season’s colors of red and black, it’s sure to compliment any look you choose to sport. Yours for $22 – a must have for Fall, right up there with get Anya Hindmarch’s “I’m not a plastic bag“ tote.

ADVISED FOR THE FOLLOWING PEEPS:

GEMINIS: this sign rules the hands, and Gemini is the multi-tasker of the zodiac. Often living life at a mind-blowing frenetic pace, if anyone needs a free hand and a BEER HOLSTER, it’s the twin. Bottoms up.

IRON WORKER: particularly good for the illegally imbibing construction worker. that’s like 90% of them. now you can swing a hammer, shout obsenities, and drink your lunch all at once. nice ass.

WINDOW WASHER: swinging through the air, tethered to safety by a few pieces of rope, is always more fun when drunk. salud.

COWGIRL: living off the fat of the land with a little help from the tilt of a hand. go girl.

NANNY: a necessity for any sitter watching three or more more kids under the age of six. my sympathies.

TRAFFIC COP: it’s the inebriated folks who don’t get hurt in a car accident. drink up.

DOG WALKER: pick up something other than a steaming pile of shit. cheers.

VIA DAILY CANDY

Check out some of Gwen’s recipes on Cocktail TImes:
EVERGREEN MARTINI
BALSAMIC PEAR COCKTAIL
NASTURTIUM MARGARITA
CHESTNUT TODDY
BLACK PANSY SWIZZLE
CLEMENTINE FENNEL ESPRESSOTINI
EARLY RISER
BASIL SHANDY
KUMQUAT KOOLER
BRASILIAN SUNRISE
DESIGNATED APPLETINI
PEAR MOJITO
IRISH SNAKEBITE
ROSE GIMLET
CHESTNUT EGGNOG
SERGEANT PEPPER COCO

My old friend, Marcelo do Rio, recently launched his brand new lager line in New York City, on the Lower East Side. Ironically, close to the very spot where I first met him at a party many years ago, back when I was in college. He had it all going for him: Tall, dark & handsome, sexy Portuguese accent, bad boy rocker tude… a whole lotta hot. But most importantly, willing to split a bottle of tequila with my best friend and I that night. We partied ’til the sun came up, and a friendship that continues to this day was born.

Some years later, Marcelo decided that his Brazilian roots were calling him back. He returned home to Rio and opened a restauraunt, CAROLINE CAFE. He’d been waiting tables since he arrived in NY, so I guess he felt he knew the biz. Turns out he was right. Several restauraunts, bars, and Trump-style deals later, he opened DEVASSA. Translated into English, Devassa means free-spirited party girl (think topless drunk chick at Carnival). Devassa was such a success, that he opened a few more nightclubs under that name, and a micro brewery.

So I asked Marcelo, why beer? He told that during his stay in NY, he was proud to drink the one Brazilian beer, Xingú, that our favorite bar, SOPHIES, served. And now, with the success of DEVASSA, he has every reason to be proud again.

In five short years, it has caught on hard in the UK and Europe – and the US is next on it’s list. The most important Brazilian import since Cachacha itself, it’s easy to see why Devassa has become so popular so fast. Each alluring lager is named after the hair color of a beautiful woman. Blonde = Pilsen, Redhead = Pale Ale and Brunette = Dark Lager. I’ve only tried the Blonde, but she was delicious. Considering I usually go for brunettes, I can’t wait to get my hands on one of those. And while I’m not usually into Redheads, I’m willing to try anything once.

DEVASSA’S A LIBRA! Marcelo and his partners conceived the idea during the month of September. The perfect sign for a perfect slut!

Devassa, in her relentless pursuit of fun, will get you drunk. Check out the label on the back of her can:

“Devassa Blonde has all the seducing flavors of a Pilsen beer: It is clear, slightly bitter and refreshing. Devassa Tropical Lager catches your breath just like a beautiful Blonde on Ipanema beach in Rio de Janerio does. From the first sip, you will taste the high quality hops and malted barley, and like the Blonde on the beach, immediately fall in love with it”.

Watch A HARD-ON OF A BEER

Wanna meet Devassa? Contact the distributor, Aladdin Beverage.

What does a flock of Aries have to do with a bottle of Chardonnay? More than you might think! Read all about the fascinating eco-vineyard-trend in mutton-mowing, as reported by ENN.com

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