Sex and alcohol are so often intertwined. But how to whet the appetite of the sign you’re trying to woo? By warming the cockles of their heart with cocktails, a love fest will ensue.

ARIES
Aries’ cocktail doesn’t need to be fancy. But it does need to be fast as well as strong (kind of like the forward Ram’s sexual style.) Cocktail shots were invented for Aries. So were showy flambeed libations. Those six-course Italian meals and long drawn out bottles of wine were not. Aries wants excellent wait service more than they want an expertly balanced tipple. They have no preference for classic cocktails or innovative creations. As long as their drink tastes good, looks appetizing and arrives promptly, that’s good enough for them. More time to get to the important (fun) stuff, like a quickie in the restroom! If you do end up on a date with the Ram for the night, slipping the maitre de a twenty is worth it’s weight in gold. Soon you’ll be in the back seat of a dark taxicab, exploring new territories of flesh. Aries is the ultimate conquistador!

TAURUS
Quite the opposite of Aries, for Taurus slow service is tolerable, but poor drinks are not. The luxury-loving Bull wants only the best in the most tasteful way possible. We’re not talking flashy concoctions here, but understated elegance and high quality ingredients. Don’t waste your time and theirs ordering a giant margarita rimmed with colorful salt and an oversized hunk of fruit. The Bull’s sophisticated buds will cut through the bull, and know instantaneously if it’s good or not, despite its illusory appearance. They would rather not imbibe a subpar cocktail. Taureans are traditionalists at heart, so treat them to classically mixed cocktails done right, in a pleasant setting where they can slowly savor each and every succulent sip. Mmnnn… that’s just a prelude to the sensual, unhurried and hedonistic lovemaking to come.

GEMINI
Bring on the flamboyant tiki drinks, the Tom Cruise cocktails bartender and brush up on your tall tale storytelling! Gemini doesn’t just like to be entertained, they need it. Wanna get in this fly girl’s pants? That’s easy - providing you can get her into the trendiest and chicest celebrity watering hole you can muster the connections to. Now’s the time to call in that favor and get on that exclusive list. Once there, experiment with a different specialty cocktail, each round to further stimulate the twin’s ADD mind. Also, be sure to have a handy list of bars to hit after the novelty and excitement of the one you’re in wears off. Be careful not to exhaust yourself entertaining this party girl. You’ll need to leave some room for Gemini’s bedtime dessert, ghhhrrr… Sextini? Make it a double.

CANCER
The celestial homebody, this sign often prefers to just stay in and sip port by the fire. In lieu of that, try the lounge of a swanky hotel — the ‘W’ will be fine. This way, the lounge is only an elevator away from a temporary hotel room-home. Cancer prefers delicate drinks to match their delicate palette. Each libation should be as subtle as their conservative taste — perfectly balanced, without any one overwhelming flavor. A Gimlet in particular will go down real smooth. Too smooth… all the more easy to take the next round back to a room. Break through that hard Cancerian shell with a probing back massage, a bottle of champagne, a pile of crab cakes, and some sweet nothings whispered in Cancer’s ear. Now this is a recipe for some serious sloppy sex! You’ll be having breakfast in bed before you know it.

LEO
To show this top cat a good time, you’ll need to think over the top in every conceivable way. This is no time to cheap out! Any offering to this noble sign should be quite grandiose to be considered at all worthy. Get your wallet out and start with the maitre dis. Secure the best table in the house, or at least let Leo know that you almost died trying. They’ll appreciate the gesture. Wooing was invented for Leo, and the good news is they’re not picky. Leo will accept the following: ridiculously extravagant culinary concoctions and high-end bottle service consisting of Cristal, Dom Perignon or 100-year-old wine. See, not picky at all! Simply treat them like the divine entity they believe themselves to be, and this pussy will be licking your private parts before you can say meow.

VIRGO
Make it neat. Not the scotch, the table! Pray that it’s squeaky clean and the coasters are new. A grossly stained coaster might just end the date right then and there. Virgo will taste a poorly made drink a mile away. Nothing except pure goodness will do for the celestial virgin. Don’t try to skate by, for the queen of perfection will notice and administer a demeaning black mark on her invisible scorecard. This sign is less likely than any other to tolerate a syrupy neon green Appletini. Make sure it’s the real deal with freshly extracted apple juice and fresh squeezed lemon. Demanding? Yup. Worth it? Every bit. Historically, the coveted virgin has always been extremely desirable. Well, nothing’s changed. Go the extra mile to ensure a flawlessly choreographed night, and you’ll find yourself living the fantasy of so many for so long — bedding the elusive and sacred virgin.

LIBRA
Thou art beautiful dear Libra, and we both know it. You’re just a beautiful drinking slut… admit it! But Libra never will, for they are always innocent. Innocent of breaking your heart, innocent of obscene flirting, innocent of ordering off the reserve list (the bartender misunderstood me!). The laid back scales will always get their way, and you’ll always be more than happy to give it to them. They are the charming and gracious diplomats of the zodiac, whose world is wrapped around their little finger. But back to the drinking slut part… Libra has an extraordinarily refined and discerning palette. Like their self, an appealing tipple must be visually pleasing, tastefully balanced and good to the last drop (of which there will be many). I’m thinking here, straight up Margarita, mixed to perfection. A night out with the scales almost always involves delightful conversation, succulent libations, and superb sex. Libra is a guaranteed good time!

SCORPIO
Scorpio lives life intensely. They tend to like their cocktails that way too. Strong, overpowering flavors are understood and appreciated. Serve a burn-your-face-off Bloody Mary, or a bittersweet chocolate concoction so decadent it should be illegal. Steer clear of generic drinks — unless it’s titled something like Sex On The Beach, or Long Slow Comfortable Screw. Choose a theme and go with it, hard-core. Scorpio can see the real deal a mile away, so don’t cut any corners on the bar tab, and don’t overdo the small talk. Prepare meaningful material in which to engage the Scorpion’s interest ahead of time and you shall be rewarded. Take them to an S&M bar for the night and you shall be very richly rewarded. Merely observing other’s antics while sipping an intensely flavorful tipple will get any Scorpio’s mouth wet. They are the sign of sex and would love more than anything to give it to you.

SAGITTARIUS
The drinks don’t have to be rated five star Zagat, but they do have to be impressive in appearance. And plentiful. A mammoth Pina Colada (or six of them) is all that Sag requires to be content. Hoping to get lucky? Your chances are good — Sagittarius is the sign of luck! Strategically nurse your drink and hope the centaur politely follows your lead. (Easier said than done.) They are known for their blunt candor, and when Sagittarius wants another libation, they’ll ask for one without hesitation. In any event, the question is not will you end up in bed, but in what state? Sag is the ultimate party animal that lives — and drinks — in the now. Not five hours from now. Thanks to their boatload of innate spontaneity, they are the consummate fun sign. But a comatose lover is never much fun, so force the man-horse to pace themselves and conserve energy for your sinfully succulent late night-nightcap. champagne strawberries in all the right places, if you know what I mean.

CAPRICORN
No need to impress the goat with flashy overpriced libations, and uber trendy bars, although that certainly won’t hurt. The best way to win the cold steely heart of the workaholic goat is to patronize a sophisticated establishment, or have a very valid reason for not doing so. Then, order with confidence and impress them with your extensive libational knowledge (a crash course in bartending isn’t a bad idea). The goat’s got taste, too much of it in fact — they’re snobby. They’ll cringe to be seen in a lame bar, and they’ll shudder if they must imbibe cheap wine or beer (unless they’re picking up the tab — somehow that’s ok). Capricorn is into keeping up appearances. Be it imported stout, a micro-brewed limited edition or a rare scotch, that drink better have an aura of specialty about it. Don’t disappoint Capricorn with foolish cocktail blunders, at least not more than once. They’ll forgive you, but only because they want you to succeed at impressing them. They really want to show you the inside of their love den! A little chilly on the outside, Capricorn is volcanic on the inside. May you enjoy their eruption…

AQUARIUS
What a contradiction, planning an evening with the unplannable sign of Aquarius. The Water Bearer despises following itineraries. They are the zodiacal eccentrics — and don’t even try to guess what makes them tick! For what’s it’s worth, here’s my advice: You’ll need to find a different kind of place for this different kind of sign. Perhaps an art gallery opening, where the visual and mental stimulation are as free-flowing as the wine and cheese. When they’re bored with Picasso, move onto a dive bar on the wrong side of the tracks. This will hold their perverse interest. Drink 10 cent beers for an hour and hit the road again — the latest trendoid bar is calling their name! Order an innovative cocktail — something that utilizes the new molecular mixology techniques would be ideal. A sodium alginate and calcium chloride Rose Vanilla Dacqueri will keep Aquarius intrigued, and they’ll keep you around for a midnight romp. Get ready for a crazy, sexy, wild ride…

PISCES
Get a drink in their hand, like yesterday. A welcome libation will relax the anxious Fish, to which alcohol is like oxygen to mere mortals. By the way, the other Fish is quite comfortable without a drink, thank you very much. It’s this constant yin yang pull that makes Pisces a Pisces. The trouble — or fun, depending on how you look at it — comes when both fish decide to get simultaneously sloshed. That’s the Piscean mega-party this sign is famous for. Should you manage to catch this slippery lover in your net, enjoy their dreamy and magical company before they swim into the night, never to be seen. Well-mannered, they’ll drink almost any cocktail served them. However, the fish’s discriminating taste will derive the most pleasure from refreshing, fruity concoctions. Pineapple Sage Margarita? Cilantro Swizzle? Tease them with tipples and tie them up tightly. This smooth operator likes playing the game.