ARIES: Dare Me To Drink!
(March 29-April 19)
Unless you’re in the mood for a good, emergency roomâ€“style, stomach pumping, I’d stay away from any Ariesâ€“initiated drinking games. The baby of the zodiac wants to be king of the mountain at any cost. I say, pick your battles, win the war! Suggest instead, a round of body shots for all. The energetic ram will dizzy herself silly, licking peach schnapps off stranger’s various body parts. The best part, she won’t even realize you’ve only had 2 to her 7! Remember this formula: Aries + alcohol = loads of mindless fun
TAURUS: A Strong Spirit Deserves Strong Spirits!
(April 20-May 21)
Stirred not shaken. Nope, James certainly wasn’t a Taurus. This stylish bull quite likes stopping to the smell the rose martinis. Savoring each artfully balanced sip, as a proper cocktail should be enjoyed! And she’ll finish it when she finishes it, dammitâ€“don’t rush the slow and steady bull. A lover of earthly comforts, she can soak in the atmosphere at a local pub, or dine in a gourmet establishmentâ€“taking pleasure from both. As long as she’s eating good food, with good friends. Taurus loves food, drink and company, in no particular order. All though stubborn at times, she is essentially easy going and a pure pleasure to party with.
GEMINI: Double Drinking Trouble!
(May 22-June 21)
The sign of the very social twins, these girls know where to go, what to wear, what to say and who to do. Oops, did I say that? Gemini wants to see and be seen, especially with a haute couture cocktail in her hand. Always game for painting the town a very wild shade of red, hangin with this fly girl is a guaranteed good time. That is, if she hasn’t double booked herself with someone else and left you in the dust. Word to the wise: always have a plan B when this Aâ€“list party girl’s involved!
CANCER: Cocktail Sweet Cocktail!
(June 22-July 22)
Alcohol; the great truth serum. Take care when divulging your innermost secrets on a drunken girl’s night out. For this retentive creature has the mind of an elephant that never forgets. Long after you might have, she will remember those skeletons in your closet you long ago shared. And don’t think Cancer will be as forthcoming with you. This is one clamâ€“shelled crab that doesn’t easily open up. Unless it’s opening up a bottle of gin, rum, vodka; this crab’s not pickyâ€“as long as it’s at least 50 proof. Something about the water of the sea i guess… another sign that loves to drink! A homebody at heart, coaxing her out of the house is SO worth the effort.
LEO: Top Shelf Pussy Cat!
(July 23-August 22)
All herald the mighty king. and she will treat you with respect, honor you with friendship, and indulge you with spirit (top notch, i might add). This ferocious and grandiose kitty cat wants only to be loved. Well, idolized, worshipped and cowâ€“towed to won’t hurt things either! Leading by example, Leo wisely sheds upon her comrades that which she wishes in return: flamboyant concoctions, flashy libations, and the latest and greatest in entertainment. Limousines, 5 star ratings, velvet ropes and Cristal were all made for Leo. This cool cat IS the party. Hers is a guest list you want to be on.
VIRGO: No Virgin Drinks!
(August 23-September 2)
Especially if it’s made with fresh squeezed fruits and veggies, so the beautiful Virgin can get her vitamin C. After all… a drink a day, keeps the doctor away. The health nut of the zodiac, this is one sign who isn’t quite as likely to be worshipping the porcelain god at four in the morn as the others. Virgo is a calm, cool, collected, confident and calculating chickâ€“which makes for a whole lot of sexy. Usually in complete control of herself, an extra round of carrot juice cocktails is advised for Virgo’s inner party animal to come out and play.
LIBRA: To Drink Or To Drink?
(September 23-October 22)
If any sign is guilty of consistent and shameless drunken flirting, it’s Libra. This sign would flirt with a goldfish. Libras just wanna have fun, is that so wrong? Why no, it’s actually quite awesome! Chillin with the scales is always a rockin good time. Just don’t give her too many specialty cocktails to choose from… for she’ll agonize over choosing the perfect tipple. Then after it arrives, she’ll comment on how the other one would been made a better choice. Such is life for Libra. A constant weighing process of each and every decision, no matter how large or small. One question Libra never has to weigh in on: should she drink or not? HINT: it’s never not!
SCORPIO: Martinis, Like Revenge, Are Best Served Cold!
(October 23-November 22)
If this lethal sexpot feels she’s been had, betrayed, or worseâ€“stiffed on a drink… beware! Scorpio can be a serious bottomâ€“shelf bitch. And she will get you back; if only for serving past it’s date beer. This is the sign of intensity. Intensity of love. Intensity of hate. Intensity of sex. Intensity of intoxication. Intensity of anything at all. So, Believe you me, when the scorpion decides they’re gonna get snockered, they will imbibe with a fervent commitment that would earn gold in Beijing. TRUST ME, you want to be there for it.
SAGITTARIUS: The Party Hunter!
(November 23-December 22)
If there’s a party to be found, the armed centaur will find it. She will hunt it down like the wild animal it is and party it to death. This is the BIG sign, as in Anna Nicole Big. Decadence in all hedonistic areas is mandatory. Food, Sex, Money, Fun, Sloth and Drinkâ€“in largely unhealthy dosesâ€“are all Sagittarius wants. You can’t help but love them; with their huge hearts, optimistic thinking, expansive mind, generous wallets, and top shelf open bar. No party is complete until the party hunting, manâ€“horse has arrived.
CAPRICORN: Work Hard, Drink Harder!
(Dec 22â€“Jan 20)
Let them eat cake, and drink martinis. Capricorn might tend to snobby elitism, but she also tends to her carefully chosen circle of friends with love, loyalty and highâ€“quality, nameâ€“brand alcohol. As capricious as her name implies, Capricorn is either miserably tethered to a wretched post, or scaling the highest, most euphoric mountain peak. She’s either on, or off. Catch her on a bad night, hide the sharp objects. Catch her on a good, stock up on gin. For she is the cynical comedian of the zodiac, and her sharp and witty humor becomes drier with each extraâ€“dry martini she drinks. This goat’s got a fishtail for a reason!
AQUARIUS: The Liquor Bearer… Vodka Is The Sacred Water Of Life!
(Jan 21â€“Feb 18)
Airy Aquarie. For thou art quite contrary. Liquor or leave herâ€“Aquarius’ eccentric quirks will either endear her to friendsâ€“or just the opposite. Aquarius is the bizarre, “outâ€“there” thinker, ponderer, flaky, fun-lovin’ girl of the zodiac. Yes i said flake; and if constellations had hair, she’d be blonde. Sometimes it’s difficult for Aquarius to put her thoughts into words and she often times keeps those brilliant gems of genius to herself. That’s when the miraculous elixir of life comes in handy, other wise known as vodka! Keep the Cosmos comin’ for an Aquarian earful and a brilliantly exiting night.
PISCES: Alcohol Is A Food Group!
(February 19â€“March 20)
As my finned friends know, happiness sometimes lies in the bottom of a bottle. Pisces; the sign of two fishes swimming in opposite directions. Those born with a Pisces presence in their chart are prone to alcoholism more than any other sign. One fish aspires to own the rare corals, expensive pearls and exotic treasures of the sea. While the other struggles against the current, painfully aware that there is so much more to life. Even the most grounded and ambitious Pisces will occasionally seek escape from their compassionate and burdensome emotions. For she is the most sympathetic sign of allâ€“and for hard times like these, hard liquor is recommended.