Hello again dear IZ Readers! I have been away for quite a while and have missed being here in the starry, shaken and stirred world of our lovely and intrepid Gwen. For reasons that shall be clear shortly, I missed out on tippling with you in February, so this month I am giving you not only one recipe for your use and enjoyment, but two! This month I give you the medicinal and the indulgent, which spans the particular Zodiac traits we’ve encountered since I’ve visited with you last.

It seems that the transition from the thoughtful and ordered daydreaming governed by Aquarius to the highly emotional and occasionally volatile aspects of Pisces has hammered many of us between the eyes with slews of interpersonal and immediate environmental mishaps, catastrophes and other sundry difficulties. And waiting in the wings later in March is, of course, another chaotic transition into the just-as-volatile-in-a-different-way demeanor that signifies Aries. (cool appletini painting $650)

One would think that with the past month being absolutely filled with much gray, dreary, cold and inhospitable weather, the best course of action would be to curl up in bed with a good book and stay there.

Until Spring.

While I highly endorse this course of action it was neither practical nor desirable for me to do so, and while I’m sure many of you found the same to be true, I’m sure you also found that Mother Nature sometimes takes it in hand to give a bit of an assist to the notion of staying in bed. When we push too hard, do too much, cram too much activity into too little time and space, there are consequences. Sometimes these are dire, but more often they are inconvenient and just plain yucky.

In short, dear readers, I got sick during the cusp in February. Completely and utterly miserable with throat and sinus wars raging I was unpleasant to be near from the standpoint of noise pollution alone, not to mention feeling as though there was a cubic yard of cotton stuffed in my head, neck and chest cavity. Organic or conventional notwithstanding, Best Beloved reminded me that the surest way to get rid of my “congestion cotton” was to employ a tried and true recipe for the Hot Toddy. (photo)

I put great stock by this one. This recipe helped me heal my throat following invasive surgery (swordswallowers have bad days at work too, after all), and my swordswallowing mentor, Red Stuart swears by it as well. I have used it to great healing effect for friends, family, colleagues and neighbors on and off the road. I still have friends contact me to clarify this recipe for them every winter during flu season. It is powerful and it is effective. Use wisely.

The Cocktail Sword’s Hot Toddy

In a coffee or tea mug mix the following:

1 jigger of rum or whiskey (personal preference on this one … )

1 teaspoon of lemon juice

1 tablespoon honey

Fill with boiling water

Drink it while it is as hot as you can stand it without burning your lips. The heat and steam will work wonders for throat and sinuses, the honey and lemon will open breathing passages and the liquor will relax even the most irritated of muscles about the affected areas. For an extra effective cold-arse-kicking concoction, add a ¼ to a half a teaspoon of ground cayenne pepper to the mix. It will make you sweat whatever sickness is lingering right on out.

***gwen advises boiling chopped ginger in the water, and using that water in the toddy. if your throat’s been sore, it will be no more!

When you are recovered and strong and feeling frisky around the imminent arrival of Spring on the Vernal Equinox, some celebratory mixing is most definitely in order. Apples are a favored food of mine this time of year, with all the Eros and Eve implications that go along with them, and I found that while I was working part time behind a bar, the apple was favored among my clientele as well. Washington Apples were a favorite cocktail in the DC Area among lobbyists in particular. Others preferred a lovely spicy piece called the Indian Summer. By far the runaway hit, probably as people geared up for getting out of doors (and for yours truly, the carnival season), was the Appletini. I always did my level best to give my Appletinis a bit of tartness in addition to a bit of circusy sweetness and judging by the number of repeat customers I had who drank almost nothing else during my shifts, I seem to have hit on a wonderful flavor combination.

The Cocktail Sword’s Appletini

2.5 parts Vodka

2 part Sour Apple Pucker

1 part cranberry juice

Half part Midori

A splash Butterscotch Schnapps (optional, but good for that circusy touch)

So dear readers, a recipe to help get you back on your feet and another to sweep you off of them again, just in time for the fiery shifts that Aries brings us in preparation for some Springtime goodness. Enjoy in good health!

Cheers~Charon, The Most Dangerous Beauty Alive
theswordswallowers.com
oddangel.com

Charon Henning is one of a handful of female sword swallowers in the world today. She’s performed on carnival midways and at wine tastings, on theater stages and grassy lots.

Charon also reads tea leaves professionally, a skill she inherited from her grandmother on her mother’s side of the family. Tea-leaf reading is a wonderful and elegant form of entertainment, suitable for many time periods and venues.

Charon loves being on the road seeing new places and meeting new people. Want to catch Charon on the road for her live show? View her tour schedule here. Or, book Charon’s talent for your next event!

this little tale should make you feel better about your life:

after an exhausting week manning my booth at the nyigf, i arrived home sweet home to find that my cats had all come down with tapeworm. spending about 2 days disinfecting every surface in the house i then came to discover that they had roundworm too. awesome. repeat. since half of my cats are 17 plus year old geriatrics, this infestation didn’t sit too kindly with their antique systems. they’ve still not quite recovered. between pill popping (or jamming), enemas, specialized diets, quarantined litter boxes, ridiculously unnatural shedding, and you don’t even want to hear what else, i’ve become head nurse in a feline infirmary…

now i guess the houseplants were feeling neglected from all this sudden attention the four-legged furballs were getting, so they made a play to get some of gwen’s lovin’ for themselves. they went and caught a raging case of mealy bugs–YAH! my fave : ( if you’ve never encountered mealy bugs, well you just don’t know what you’re missing. i’ll spare you the details.

it was around this time that the inclement weather (light snow) caused a power outage for 1 1/2 days. not too unusual for these here parts… but the electric did come back on, and i jumped in that shower faster than you can say glogg, turned the heat up to 85 degrees, made food on the stove (as opposed to the bbq) and checked my email. i was as happy as a pig in shit.

and then the shit hit the fan, and a tree brought the power wire down. utopia equals game over. i needed alcohol and i needed it now. but as you might imagine, i’d grown weary of chilled cocktails—so i decided to try my hand at swedish cuisine, and attempt the traditional libation known as glogg, or in this particular case, ghetto glogg. best prepared in 45 degrees with a flashlight and gloves. i managed to scrounge up some brandy, red wine, honey, anise, cardamon and cloves in total darkness and throw them on the grill. i almost threw myself on there too. though tasty, the ghetto glogg was mcdonalds hot. i threw in a snowball and went to bed. crawling underneath my 16 covers, with my 16 cats, and my cup o’ ghetto glogg, i vowed not to leave the second floor of the house… because guess what? heat really does rise. now was as good a time as any to read my tarot cards… drawing the devil card for my immediate future, things were decidedly not looking up. worried, but resigned i finally passed out. i woke to 2 feet of snow–and counting–and 3 trees blocking the driveway. damn… should have made my escape while i had the chance. now i was trapped (devil) and had to find someone with a chain saw asap. every friend i called was busy with their own disaster. i was screwed. thank god for the neighbor i’d never met who was out walking his dog as i desperately tried to free tree branches from their snow tombs. this earth angel came back with his chain saw, and as soon as the trees were cleared the plow truck showed and i high taled it outta there. it wasn’t until 6 days later that i regained access! S I X L O N G D A Y S. thank god for starbucks and their free wifi.

NON-GHETTO GLOGG:
* 2 (750 milliliter) bottles red wine
* 2 ounces dried orange zest
* 2 ounces cinnamon sticks
* 20 whole cardamom seeds
* 25 whole cloves
* 1 pound blanched almonds
* 1 pound raisins
* 1 pound sugar cubes
* 5 fluid ounces brandy

1. Pour wine into a large pot. Bring to a boil over medium high heat. Wrap orange zest, cinnamon sticks, cardamom and cloves in cheesecloth, tie with kitchen string and put into pot. Let boil for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in almonds and raisins and continue to boil for 15 more minutes. Remove from heat.
2. Place a wire grill over the pot and cover with sugar cubes. Slowly pour on brandy, making sure to completely saturate the sugar. Light sugar with a match and let it flame. When sugar has melted, cover pot with lid to extinguish flame.
3. Stir and remove spice bag. Serve hot in cups with a few almonds and raisins.

the liquid muse herself asked if moi if i’d care to contribute an original cocktail to her latest book, THE BUBBLY BRIDE. perhaps you’ve heard of PREGGATINIS by natalie bovis-nelson? that was her first book. both are good reads with useful material to boot.

with wedding season right around the corner, you’d be wise to stock up on copies of THE BUBBLY BRIDE. for $16.95, every star struck lover deserves a tipple how-to as cute as this one! cheers to the happy couple…

studies show that inhaling lavender impairs our mental processing ability. in other words, it’s relaxing… good for a wedding? chill out bridezilla! it’s also kind of funny that lavender belongs to virgo, the virgin ; ) white wedding with lavender cocktails–how perfect!

CHILL PILL:
1 oz lavender bud-infused vodka
1 oz lavender bud syrup
1/2 oz fresh lemon juice
lavender water spray or rinse
lavender soda

combine lavender bud-infused vodka, lavender bud syrup, lemon juice and shake over ice. prepare champagne flute with rinse of lavender water, or mist inside of glass with lavender water spray. strain into lavender-misted / lavender-rinsed flute and top with fair amount of lavender soda. stir briefly and serve. garnish with sprig of lavender or purple flower if available.

lavender vodka: infuse 750 ml vodka with 3 cups dried lavender buds (available at health food stores or online) allow to sit for several days and strain.

lavender syrup: bring to boil 1 cup sugar, 1 cup water, 1/4 cup dried lavender buds and remove from heat. allow to infuse for 1/2 hour and strain. add splash vodka to act as preservative and store in fridge. note that using white sugar over raw will give a prettier pink color, while the latter will make for a darker hue.

lavender water: available at health food stores or online. for greater control and speed, i prefer misting over rinsing of glass. transfer lavender water into small spray bottle that is dark in color and store in fridge.

sick of red bull and its hundred copy cats? well you’re in luck, because a new age of soda is upon us! first we had slow food (cool), then slow cocktails (awesome), then slow fashion (thank you god), and now slow soda (i’ve heard it all). meet DRANK BEVERAGE and MARY JANE’S RELAXING SODA…

both promise to “slow your roll,” and “focus a stress-filled life” respectively. sign me up!

MARY JANE’S Relaxing Soda contains Kava Extract and Passionflower. Effects are sometimes compared to that of alcohol, but do not cause side effects like drowsiness, “beer goggles”, tough-guy syndrome, or hangovers. Some have also compared the effects to marijuana (hence the name, Mary Jane) however, there are no side-effects such as, laziness, 2 am pizza runs, black light posters, or handcuffs. Recod for:
• Long Day • First Date • Road Rage • Job Interview • Deadbeat boyfriends • Lousy girlfriends • Long trip • Public Speaking

DRANK contains a combination of Valerian Root, Rose Hips, and Melatonin designed to “slow your roll” after a hectic day. A calming beverage, Drank is formulated to relax the body, mind, and soul. Drank is the perfect lifestyle beverage for those who can appreciate extreme relaxation. So grab a Drank and Slow Your Roll!

visit STUFF BOSTON here.

muddling all those mojitos, caipirinhas, Caipiroskas, or what have you can get a tad tedious. especially when your friends come over and all want a drink at the same time. as staples would say hit the easy button, oh god kill me for reciting corporate tag lines. but pitcher drinks are soooo easy. you can spend time actually talking to your guests instead of your muddler! this recipe here’s a cinch—just right to make in a pinch…

oh, wait, did i almost forget to convey the irrefutable fact that blueberry is ruled by jupiter, ruler of sagittarius? my, that would have been a travesty… cheers sagittarius!

PIE HOLE:
one 16 pz can blueberry pie filling
1/4 tsp lemon cooking oil
4 cups vodka
cream soda

stir ingredients well, except for the cream soda, in a pitcher. pack glass with ice, fill half with mixture. top with cream soda and stir. serve with a fork.

it’s not that my biological clock is ticking or anything, because i’m pretty sure i’m not in possession of one, but these glasses are too cute for words. get a set of eight plastic crystal cut wine goblets and tumblers for $4 at ikea. perfect for the little girl, or little boy, with a birthday coming up!

two valentine’s bevies that slithered across my desk:

1) FEVER: this non-carbonated herbal fusion is infused with only 100% natural ingredients. “FEVER heightens a persons euphoric state, while also stimulating the body and providing a natural source of energy.”

i had the KIWI STRAWBERRY, and it was good… i do believe it even stimulated me! at the time i drank it, i was in my booth at the jacob javitz center and thankfully i managed to control my lust. i simply channeled that energy into a killer sales pitch instead of…$#*!!:) considering that almost every buyer there was either a gay man or a straight woman, it wasn’t HARD to do. however, if i had consumed this delicious, libido-enhancing libation at any other time, well, i doubt i would have been able to control myself and the erotic FEVER this drink would have unleashed from the deepest caverns of my carnal self. shake things up this valentine’s day-mix it in a sexy nightcap.

2) LOVE POTION #9: this tasty cordial bears the perfect name for that fast approaching sexiest of days. oh yes, my fave, valentine’s day. i suggest pouring this fruity, tasty, sweet, delicious liqueur all over your lover’s sweet spots. oh how will you clean up that desirable mess? of course i strongly recommend preparing a valentine’s day COCKtail with it too… i do believe that LOVE POTION #9 is a guaranteed good time no matter how you use it.

“LOVE POTION #9 is a 60-proof, distilled spirits specialty that was developed over the course of five years and almost 1,800 trial-and-error formulations before its blend of 20 exotic tropical fruit flavors, including mango, peach, chocolate, vanilla, pear, apple, cherry, almond and many others, was perfected.”

i just thought these glasses were so original. (which means ten stores will copy them for next season and sell them for 1/4 the price. but, these adorable specimens might just be odd enough that they won’t appeal to mass market and hence won’t be worth knocking off…)

but do you see the bellies on these babies? perfect for the to-be-mom, or spare-tired mate, or me.

$85 available at BERGDORF GOODMAN on 5th and 59th.

finally got my butt over to APOTHEKE. opened in september, this health conscious establishment is a virgo, of course! APOTHEKE’S pharmaceutical concept perfectly manifests the traits of the most perfectionistic sign. no medicinal detail is forgotten, from the ancient caduceus logo to the science beaker lamps, to the bottles of ancient herbs stored on the top shelf—every element is consistent with the trendier than hell apothecary theme. if any sign were to prescribe a drink a day to keep the doctor away, it would be virgo…

i didn’t get his sign, but albert trummer is certainly the showman… sag? leo? aries perhaps? this man can flare bartend. he sauteed the bar in absinthe, and threw a match on it! he then poured himself a glass of absinthe—which he promptly lit up. he proceeded to light an army of absinthe filled glasses on fire. when he’d had his fill of fire mr. trummer dowsed the wild beast with a gargantuan bottle of dom. once i saw the flames start to die down, my heart started beating again. by that time i’d located every exit in the joint— just in case. (i have a thing with fire.) we all got to sample the flambeed glasses of gooey, syrupy absinthe along with champagne to wash it down with.

but how are the drinks? they’re very good. when i first arrived i was feeling tired, so i prescribed myself a FIVE POINTS, which is listed on the prescription list as a “stimulant.” (house elixir #4 with hibiscus, italian bitters, new york state grapes, house-pressed sugar cane-infused cachaca.) not sure if it was the drink or the wall of fire less than an arm’s length away, but it worked.